Jose (about a year ago)

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yesterday i came out of yoga class totally derailed. (desbordada)

thoughts all mixed up, languages jumbled in my head and emotions creeping all over my body unable to discern or catch just one. no words were facilitated by my voice, no sound could find it’s way out of my mouth; so much was whizzing and whirring in and around my entire being confusing the shit out of me. the only sensation i could decipher was the desire to curl up in a dark room and sleep. and then there was you. standing right there. so close. like cotton wool. emitting a soft, sweet energy similar to that of a new born lamb. and you became that room i wanted to curl up in. my desire became your shoulder and the embrace of your arms. and your breath. resistance. resistance. but i felt so strongly that you may have accepted it. resistance. i touched your shoulder instead. i reached out. i embraced your bicep with my hand instead, asking for a tiny second of closeness or human contact, and said the only words that my heart allowed me “come and eat with me”.

maybe i am an open book. maybe you are a closed one. maybe time will tell and maybe i am a fool. i want to share stuff with you. i have so much to tell you that is shoved down into my socks until time permits. or never. maybe one day my feet won’t even fit my shoes anymore. maybe i will just grow this way. deformed by displaced lust (?) desire (?) need (?) emotion (?)

you don’t notice. your agenda is unique. you are focused. you are on a mission. you are strong. you were a tiger but something has changed now you are a lamb. i want to ask the question. underneath it all i don’t understand how i am so engaged by this fantasy. leave my head alone, and be gentle with my heart.

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