could i be anymore confused? but then in fleeting moments it all becomes so clear. the immense fear that i felt right before opening my heart, allowing myself to be vulnerable and then getting totally shot down and hurt has led to now. this lingering, intentional, miserable moment post relationship mortem. here i am the audience watching my life, point of view, and personality transform myself as the protagonist. gawd it burns when i want to contact you. it rips holes through my veins when i desperately need to see you or speak to you one last time. i have sailors knots in my intestines for ignoring my foolish desire to fix this situation. to have a second go and create a different ending because the one we have i do not like. it leaves me empty. it leaves me cold. it leaves me desolate, sad and lonely. i feel nothing on the outside. i crave touch. i crave hugs. i crave kisses. i wish my mind could convince my heart with its logic. i wish my heart could tell my mind it’s all sweet as it must be. i want the two of them to agree to disagree. i wish this oppressive nagging feeling that strikes me each morning whilst waiting for the coffee to brew would disappear and leave me in tact. i wish you could make it better. what is the cure for this unrelenting sickening lonely feeling? i feel bloated inside from overeating and empty from the space you created when it ended. the urge to go to you is so intense i could pull my eyeballs out. sometimes you are in my head. it feels as if you are at the other end of this, feeling the same, but just as far too stubborn to entertain your desires as i am. i want to tell you so many things i can’t think. i try so desperately to hate you because this is your fault but it’s impossible when thanks to you i am going through a crucial life transformation. i’ve written you so many unsent emails. i’ve made you an origami crane that still sits on my desk. i’ve stood outside your building watching your windows. and every time i get near to contacting you the voice in my head tells me don’t be a fool. and all the negative thoughts roll back in. i am left feeling monstrous. not good enough. i just want to drag my feet through mud and puddles. i feel nothing towards going on. i could stay in bed for  years. i’m having trouble connecting from the heart with anything outside my sore interior self. i no longer believe in love, whatever that is. i am determined never to let it back in. i feel jaded and shipwrecked on my own soggy shore. the thought of you in my presence seems so ridiculous. what could i possibly have to say to you. yet i see us in the same relaxed atmosphere jovially chatting or reading to one another as where we left off. then again i see me pouring my feelings like paint onto you. and then it occurs to me that maybe quite possibly some people do just fuck with your emotions. and that i have been slimmed. that there is no hope for anything because nothing never actually happened. that hope is another sickness just like love and fear and twitter. that neither now nor ever can i revisit what brought me here in the first place so the time has come to let go. but the spider keeps spinning silk. i am stuck. i dangle. step up. help me down and watch heaven and hell make balance.

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