Monthly Archives: January 2014

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Ok so i think something is falling into place with my life. this is the chinese year of the horse, travel and victory and i am determined to win at turning my desires and determinations into successes.

since november when i realised n was a sociopath through many hours of reading about the psychological disorder, i´ve kinda been thinking about studying psychology. probably because with all the energy and hours i put into learning about sociopathic disorders i already practically was studying but also because it became very apparent to me that this subject is fascinating. i´m intrigued at how a human being can actually literally lack emotions and any serious moral ethic. sure something similar can be a learned behaviour starting from childhood or that happens through a painful experience in life but that would just be conditioning or a perception adjustment and reaction. a sociopath is only capable of feeling rage or jealousy, they also feel a buzz from winning at their games, hurting people, controlling, manipulating etc. and it turns out that they do not possess a conscience. but a part of every humans physiology is energy and energy meets and connects so how can another human not feel a connection and have a reaction to it? is it because not many people are vibrating at the same frequency as them so the energies or not intertwining rather being repelled? the greatest sensations i felt with n where distance, control and coldness. i felt like i couldn’t find a way in even when he was faking his love. so besides a sociopaths energy being very negative how does he remain so detached? they are like a hollow shell practically flatlining. i always wondering how n could look so young for 43 and although he was overweight have no health problems and also always be so relaxed (physically and mentally) and calm for someone who was so cynical and displeased with the universe. then it occurred to me that a state of bliss must be easy to live in when you don’t have any feelings-it’s uncomplicated, you do not connect with anyone so there is no confusion, no ups and downs, no emotional roller coasters. i imagine in this state you are like a preservative until somebody does something that goes against your plan, then your rage sets in and you feel something. living as a hollow must feel like floating without identity in space, until you collide with something you don’t actually exist. so i began to wonder two things: can this disorder really be genetic or a physical lack of chemistry (something in the brain) or is it a fiercely ingrained suppression in order to protect oneself caused by impactful influences early in life? either way i am interested in knowing if it can be reversed through body work. Can something as simple as understanding the diaphragm and it’s influence on our psyche and applying proven release techniques help warm the blood of a sociopath? does the autonomic nervous system have an influence in turning someone into a sociopath? i’ve often thought, especially when stressed out, emotionally fragile or affected deeply by another person, that a sociopath technically has the potential to live much longer than most. as they don’t care about anything or anyone they don’t become anxious, nervous or frazzled which conserves energy and permits the body to exist in a state of peace and therefore function better. but ironically a sociopath is not made up of energy as the rest of us, or is he? does this mean a sociopath only has mental energy, his heart has expired? this is only a learned animal who can speak. lacking layers. is there a malfunction of the emotional networks of the brain’s limbic system?

november to february, this has been a personal study. i have been asking myself and the universe constantly to guide and direct me…my first idea was to study psychology but more and more as i ask for direction and to connect me with my passion i am finding that all i want to do in my free time is read, mostly spend time with me getting to know me, practice yoga and stay fit. the reading i do has been narrowed down to these subjects: sex and relationships, sociopathic disorder, anatomy, yoga/health, learning and pregnancy.  recently i have befriended three psychologist who practice from a very holistic point of view. and of course now that i am seriously considering studying in holland i am enjoying more than ever my english classes. i feel i am achieving something and getting somewhere with the kids finally which inspires and empowers me.

i am excited to live what this soup of ideas blends down into but for now in the present i continue to be aware of signs and signals in my life that i am manifesting as guidance and direction. i listen. i see. i am aware. i act. and i trust.

and repetitively this message comes to me in written and spoken form: you cannot see what is in your future if you keep looking back. let go of the past to have a future……

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dogma, hurl. woof. woof.

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an official system of principles or tenets concerning faith, morals, behavior, etc.

last night at a dinner party i was asked on several occasions “do you know what …..is? have you heard of…..?” and the response that came out of my mouth most of the time was “no” but the one that floated around in my mind was “i don’t know exactly what it is but is it anything like…..or ……where the final goal is always the same-reach enlightenment, align the chakras, release energy blocks, overcome A,B and C?”.

well isn’t that just called therapy? 

yes i know bio-dance, reiki, buddhism (in all it’s million lineages), family constellations, akashic readings, vipassana etc exist but i don’t find it necessary to attach myself to the doctrine of any particular study of self when it all boils down to the same aim. how many corresponding concepts given diverse names by different people who claim (re)invention by adding some tiny uniqueness to an age old philosophy and practice should i familiarise myself with to know that at the end of the day what i am being taught is to let go, break the ego, detach.

ironic? yes i think so. i enjoy the self-discovery, personal development path and am partial to trying all different styles of it but something i find entirely tedious about the whole scene is the name dropping-i don’t really care that some guy in France created bio-dance in fact he has probably just souped up an eastern practice and because it is so accessible and well marketed in the west people are all over it and promoting it by….name dropping. let’s give props to the nameless sages and buddhist monks that sit for days in meditation and then selflessly share their wisdom. 

in the west we are so inundated with workshops to teach us how to let go, spend so much money on trying to understand ourselves and then walk out of it all attached to a name and “new” concept. instead of sharing experiences we exchange mechanics, reasons and quotes. 

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i remember times when i have beamed light and love. they seem so distant, hidden from view and reach. they were times that simply happened without conscious effort, and made me feel so alive i walked through the streets singing aloud. now it doesn’t matter what i do i just can’t seem to find that spark inside me. i have days of extreme happiness but they are always so quickly followed by sadness, grumpiness or misery. i can never pinpoint why the change or the cause, all i know is that i wasn’t this way 2 years ago. much of the time i equate this bipolarity and these empty feelings with the sociopath. he came into my dream the other night and the result was so sweet. in it he walked up to me to talk. i said nothing. he walked away and later left the restaurant without returning to say goodbye to me. i woke up and spent the day feeling as if i had finally let go of that niggle, his memory, the attachment to the feelings, everything. it was liberating for a day. i didn’t think about him or online stalk him until the next day when it started all over again. at least i am focusing better now but still something is unsettled in me. i search him by force of habit i think because everything in my body tells me no but i go ahead and do it anyway. it leaves me feeling empty. i know i am hanging on to nothing because there was nothing there in the first place but it’s as if i am hoping to find something. it’s not as if i not aware of the men around me, and good ones, fun, friendly, flirty who are attracted to me but i keep going back like a sugar addict who doesn’t even bother with the candy anymore and goes straight to the bowl. in the dream i released an attachment from my subconscious and i want more of those letting go of the mental chains kind of dreams. i’ve blocked him from my phone and i just want to forget altogether. i message i had on my tea two weeks ago continues to replay in my mind – let go of the past to have a future. i want out of purgatory. i want to live my life and relax from constantly trying to create it. i need to get eggy!!! be more eggy! 

lunes de mierda enero 20(14)

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what a strange day. i woke up in a hazy dazy bad mood which continued until i had to teach. zumba class couldn’t shake it although i did shake a whole lot else and it did raise the corners of my mouth a bit but not enough to rid me of glum. not even the jacuzzi followed by the sauna managed it. in the sauna i was left alone with mr. tall dark and handsome that i shared the dry sauna with on saturday, and even sat there across from him i had NO desire whatsoever to strike up a conversation. i remained in glumville trying to will HIM, in vain, to say something. didn’t work. “say something, just say something to me, come on i know you want to, just say it!”. repeating that mantra over and over in my head had no positive effect AT all. i said ciao on the way out. the whole situation only exaserbated my feeling old, wrinkly and ugly. not like me to feel that way but lately looking in the mirror is a shock someone should warn me about. but hey-ho whatever c’est la vie we can’t all look like gisela bundechen without winter dandruff. i had to drag myself to teach yoga which doesn’t seem right for a teacher (professional life crisis happening) but it turned out to be a very good class followed by another one that was even more inspired and enlightening-yay. lately i’ve been chatting with myself a lot trying to convince head, heart and soul to get along under all circumstances. i visualise us all locked in an embrace, as you do when you’ve let yourself be walked all over by a sociopath and are picking up your pieces determined NEVER to let it happen again! well tonight during meditation i found myself spontaneously visualising myself stroking my mind as if it were a pet on a leash and re-assuring it to calm and relax itself. very funny. but it worked most effectively. so now that i’ve got that monkey tamed (for now) let’s see how i managed to dominate my (bi-polar) world. 

Aside

since 2014 began i have been alone with myself. on new years eve i sat with a friend drinking, laughing, chatting and remember thinking those you go into the new year with are those who you will spend much time with in the future, i haven’t heard from here since. in fact i really haven’t heard from any of my friends in about three weeks, my phone is so silent there is tension between us. initially i was pissed off because there were definitely people i considered my good friends, those ones that think of you when there is a party or picnic in the park but that changed when i started seeing photos and messages on facebook that didn’t include me and i made a conscious decision to accept the situation and just get on with my life. part of that decision was not call people anymore, the friends i thought i had i never see unless i call them so my efforts go into me, my life and my real happiness now and actually that takes up a lot of my time!

i used to think that i knew myself so well. that i had spent a lot of quality time alone because i live alone, i go to the gym alone etc but it wasn’t true get to your core gut emotions, step back take a real look at your life, accept a lot of uncomfortable truths that you were blinded to before and love yourself kind of time alone. it was more like how can i fill my extra time with “friends”, who can i call when i’m finished?

the biggest hurt was the feeling of never having been of any importance in the lives of others really like out of sight out of mind. this cut deepest when after staying with me for 10 days my brother went back home and i have not heard from him since, it’s been almost two months and we are living in the age of high tech.

and so two unfortunate realities have come to light on this solitary journey:

1. people only want you when they need something, a shoulder to cry on, sex, a favor, advice etc-this coincidentally became all too apparent with Nacho the Manipulator Manwhore who used me like his favourite toy until i was no longer the flavour of the week so he moved on to something new. ok granted his is a quantified psychological personality disorder and i walked into that to learn an abundance of lessons including all the revelations i am having lately and because i felt lonely and didn’t really have a clear idea of who my friends were i fell for all of it and soaked it up, it made me feel important, wanted, loved, it filled an emptiness-i was the perfect victim but what he always needed in return (sex) i loved and was into giving until i realised how selfish he was even about that. it made me realise the danger of not wanting to be alone and spend time by yourself. being so needy is a deficiency and self esteem issue that can so blindly lead you into traps and shred any self confidence you possessed. it’s never worth it.

i would now rather have no one to call, receive no messages or calls than be a coward and allow someone to walk all over me, use me and treat me like shit.

2. people will always come round when you are offering something. post new years i decided to put this old adage of you know no one until you offer them something to the test and invited some of them, whom i could not make a drink date with for love nor money over a period of like 3 months, to come for breakfast. i got immediate answers, yes, and i was cooking breakfast for them within two days. it was nice, we chatted, we caught up and when we said goodbye there was a slight uncomfortable silence where “see you soon or what are you doing this weekend or i’ll give you a call” would normally be said. i got the impression that i won’t be seeing them again for a looooong time and frankly OH WELL, C’EST LA VIE.

life has never felt better as right now getting to know myself. becoming strong is a becoming quality. it’s a funny and satisfying feeling getting to know what you love and recognising what you don’t. i get excited about taking myself to bachata and salsa class knowing the great time i will have there independent of anybody else. i also get all ecstatic for zumba classes, swimming and the sauna plus sometimes just sitting in bed on a cloudy saturday and blogging gives me a sufficient thrill to not fancy looking for anybody to fill my time with. it’s like i am my best company, or at least that is what i am learning. i also love to be around people occasionally but not just anyone and it has to be quality time because me and myself have so many things we want to do, read, learn….i am falling in love with myself and the life i am discovering in the process. it feels empowering and juicy and wonderful. and it’s not that i feel like i don’t need anyone else because i would like to share me with someone and have a family. and i desire (and know i can get and have) a lover or two and there are people in my life who i am so bloody grateful for everyday but the chains of attachment are loosening and while i learn to understand myself i also learn to accept each situation and roll with it. when i reflect on my life so far i see clearly how everything that has happened along the way had precise and adequate timing. i have no reason not to trust the process. in fact even when it hurts, complicates, confuses and derails me it feels so damn right. i simply love unraveling myself to me, what a concept what a notion.

teníamos veinte año y nos volvimos locos el uno por el otro. hoy con cuarenta seguimos locos aunque ya cada uno por su cuenta ~ Ajo

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uh oh. i’ve done it again. just when i think i am over you….

i listen to the music you do. i twitter you. i email you.

i see you in our relationship so clear now. not through the oxytocin glasses i was living it. and yet i keep looking beyond and seeing something more in your heart. when i listen to the sad bluesy love songs you post i think someone who listens to this feels deeply. i can’t help but just think you’ve been hurt so profoundly your afraid of your own wounds. this always happens. i get so tangled up in destructive emotions of others. in this case yours because you are…….

18/01/14

i just found the above as a saved draft and the end to the last sentence is …..not human. shortly after i wrote that post we met again and had another short lived affair in which i was your play thing and amusement for new years eve after that you proceeded with your signature destructive phrase where you do everything to get rid of me for someone else-lies, scandals, games and a whatsapp profile photo of another woman. unfortunately i forgive AND forget far too easily and also craved your familiarity (sex, touch, compliments…) and went back to you for the last time in May 2013. it lasted a whole surprising 7 months! the outcome: those sad/cheesy love  songs i mention above are saved in your spotify for women, to impress, swoon and woo them and then later when you have cheated, ruined everything and moved on you return to try and woo her back in with one of her favourite songs on your spotify list as if it was a good memory of your time together. in my experience.