since 2014 began i have been alone with myself. on new years eve i sat with a friend drinking, laughing, chatting and remember thinking those you go into the new year with are those who you will spend much time with in the future, i haven’t heard from here since. in fact i really haven’t heard from any of my friends in about three weeks, my phone is so silent there is tension between us. initially i was pissed off because there were definitely people i considered my good friends, those ones that think of you when there is a party or picnic in the park but that changed when i started seeing photos and messages on facebook that didn’t include me and i made a conscious decision to accept the situation and just get on with my life. part of that decision was not call people anymore, the friends i thought i had i never see unless i call them so my efforts go into me, my life and my real happiness now and actually that takes up a lot of my time!
i used to think that i knew myself so well. that i had spent a lot of quality time alone because i live alone, i go to the gym alone etc but it wasn’t true get to your core gut emotions, step back take a real look at your life, accept a lot of uncomfortable truths that you were blinded to before and love yourself kind of time alone. it was more like how can i fill my extra time with “friends”, who can i call when i’m finished?
the biggest hurt was the feeling of never having been of any importance in the lives of others really like out of sight out of mind. this cut deepest when after staying with me for 10 days my brother went back home and i have not heard from him since, it’s been almost two months and we are living in the age of high tech.
and so two unfortunate realities have come to light on this solitary journey:
1. people only want you when they need something, a shoulder to cry on, sex, a favor, advice etc-this coincidentally became all too apparent with Nacho the Manipulator Manwhore who used me like his favourite toy until i was no longer the flavour of the week so he moved on to something new. ok granted his is a quantified psychological personality disorder and i walked into that to learn an abundance of lessons including all the revelations i am having lately and because i felt lonely and didn’t really have a clear idea of who my friends were i fell for all of it and soaked it up, it made me feel important, wanted, loved, it filled an emptiness-i was the perfect victim but what he always needed in return (sex) i loved and was into giving until i realised how selfish he was even about that. it made me realise the danger of not wanting to be alone and spend time by yourself. being so needy is a deficiency and self esteem issue that can so blindly lead you into traps and shred any self confidence you possessed. it’s never worth it.
i would now rather have no one to call, receive no messages or calls than be a coward and allow someone to walk all over me, use me and treat me like shit.
2. people will always come round when you are offering something. post new years i decided to put this old adage of you know no one until you offer them something to the test and invited some of them, whom i could not make a drink date with for love nor money over a period of like 3 months, to come for breakfast. i got immediate answers, yes, and i was cooking breakfast for them within two days. it was nice, we chatted, we caught up and when we said goodbye there was a slight uncomfortable silence where “see you soon or what are you doing this weekend or i’ll give you a call” would normally be said. i got the impression that i won’t be seeing them again for a looooong time and frankly OH WELL, C’EST LA VIE.
life has never felt better as right now getting to know myself. becoming strong is a becoming quality. it’s a funny and satisfying feeling getting to know what you love and recognising what you don’t. i get excited about taking myself to bachata and salsa class knowing the great time i will have there independent of anybody else. i also get all ecstatic for zumba classes, swimming and the sauna plus sometimes just sitting in bed on a cloudy saturday and blogging gives me a sufficient thrill to not fancy looking for anybody to fill my time with. it’s like i am my best company, or at least that is what i am learning. i also love to be around people occasionally but not just anyone and it has to be quality time because me and myself have so many things we want to do, read, learn….i am falling in love with myself and the life i am discovering in the process. it feels empowering and juicy and wonderful. and it’s not that i feel like i don’t need anyone else because i would like to share me with someone and have a family. and i desire (and know i can get and have) a lover or two and there are people in my life who i am so bloody grateful for everyday but the chains of attachment are loosening and while i learn to understand myself i also learn to accept each situation and roll with it. when i reflect on my life so far i see clearly how everything that has happened along the way had precise and adequate timing. i have no reason not to trust the process. in fact even when it hurts, complicates, confuses and derails me it feels so damn right. i simply love unraveling myself to me, what a concept what a notion.
teníamos veinte año y nos volvimos locos el uno por el otro. hoy con cuarenta seguimos locos aunque ya cada uno por su cuenta ~ Ajo