Aside

i remember times when i have beamed light and love. they seem so distant, hidden from view and reach. they were times that simply happened without conscious effort, and made me feel so alive i walked through the streets singing aloud. now it doesn’t matter what i do i just can’t seem to find that spark inside me. i have days of extreme happiness but they are always so quickly followed by sadness, grumpiness or misery. i can never pinpoint why the change or the cause, all i know is that i wasn’t this way 2 years ago. much of the time i equate this bipolarity and these empty feelings with the sociopath. he came into my dream the other night and the result was so sweet. in it he walked up to me to talk. i said nothing. he walked away and later left the restaurant without returning to say goodbye to me. i woke up and spent the day feeling as if i had finally let go of that niggle, his memory, the attachment to the feelings, everything. it was liberating for a day. i didn’t think about him or online stalk him until the next day when it started all over again. at least i am focusing better now but still something is unsettled in me. i search him by force of habit i think because everything in my body tells me no but i go ahead and do it anyway. it leaves me feeling empty. i know i am hanging on to nothing because there was nothing there in the first place but it’s as if i am hoping to find something. it’s not as if i not aware of the men around me, and good ones, fun, friendly, flirty who are attracted to me but i keep going back like a sugar addict who doesn’t even bother with the candy anymore and goes straight to the bowl. in the dream i released an attachment from my subconscious and i want more of those letting go of the mental chains kind of dreams. i’ve blocked him from my phone and i just want to forget altogether. i message i had on my tea two weeks ago continues to replay in my mind – let go of the past to have a future. i want out of purgatory. i want to live my life and relax from constantly trying to create it. i need to get eggy!!! be more eggy! 

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