Ok so i think something is falling into place with my life. this is the chinese year of the horse, travel and victory and i am determined to win at turning my desires and determinations into successes.

since november when i realised n was a sociopath through many hours of reading about the psychological disorder, i´ve kinda been thinking about studying psychology. probably because with all the energy and hours i put into learning about sociopathic disorders i already practically was studying but also because it became very apparent to me that this subject is fascinating. i´m intrigued at how a human being can actually literally lack emotions and any serious moral ethic. sure something similar can be a learned behaviour starting from childhood or that happens through a painful experience in life but that would just be conditioning or a perception adjustment and reaction. a sociopath is only capable of feeling rage or jealousy, they also feel a buzz from winning at their games, hurting people, controlling, manipulating etc. and it turns out that they do not possess a conscience. but a part of every humans physiology is energy and energy meets and connects so how can another human not feel a connection and have a reaction to it? is it because not many people are vibrating at the same frequency as them so the energies or not intertwining rather being repelled? the greatest sensations i felt with n where distance, control and coldness. i felt like i couldn’t find a way in even when he was faking his love. so besides a sociopaths energy being very negative how does he remain so detached? they are like a hollow shell practically flatlining. i always wondering how n could look so young for 43 and although he was overweight have no health problems and also always be so relaxed (physically and mentally) and calm for someone who was so cynical and displeased with the universe. then it occurred to me that a state of bliss must be easy to live in when you don’t have any feelings-it’s uncomplicated, you do not connect with anyone so there is no confusion, no ups and downs, no emotional roller coasters. i imagine in this state you are like a preservative until somebody does something that goes against your plan, then your rage sets in and you feel something. living as a hollow must feel like floating without identity in space, until you collide with something you don’t actually exist. so i began to wonder two things: can this disorder really be genetic or a physical lack of chemistry (something in the brain) or is it a fiercely ingrained suppression in order to protect oneself caused by impactful influences early in life? either way i am interested in knowing if it can be reversed through body work. Can something as simple as understanding the diaphragm and it’s influence on our psyche and applying proven release techniques help warm the blood of a sociopath? does the autonomic nervous system have an influence in turning someone into a sociopath? i’ve often thought, especially when stressed out, emotionally fragile or affected deeply by another person, that a sociopath technically has the potential to live much longer than most. as they don’t care about anything or anyone they don’t become anxious, nervous or frazzled which conserves energy and permits the body to exist in a state of peace and therefore function better. but ironically a sociopath is not made up of energy as the rest of us, or is he? does this mean a sociopath only has mental energy, his heart has expired? this is only a learned animal who can speak. lacking layers. is there a malfunction of the emotional networks of the brain’s limbic system?

november to february, this has been a personal study. i have been asking myself and the universe constantly to guide and direct me…my first idea was to study psychology but more and more as i ask for direction and to connect me with my passion i am finding that all i want to do in my free time is read, mostly spend time with me getting to know me, practice yoga and stay fit. the reading i do has been narrowed down to these subjects: sex and relationships, sociopathic disorder, anatomy, yoga/health, learning and pregnancy.  recently i have befriended three psychologist who practice from a very holistic point of view. and of course now that i am seriously considering studying in holland i am enjoying more than ever my english classes. i feel i am achieving something and getting somewhere with the kids finally which inspires and empowers me.

i am excited to live what this soup of ideas blends down into but for now in the present i continue to be aware of signs and signals in my life that i am manifesting as guidance and direction. i listen. i see. i am aware. i act. and i trust.

and repetitively this message comes to me in written and spoken form: you cannot see what is in your future if you keep looking back. let go of the past to have a future……