i forgive you with all my being.my heart forgives you for being so evil and hurting her. i forgive you right down to my core and soul. no one deserves to be manipulated, lied to and treated the way you did to me but i forgive your actions, your words, your lies, your games and manipulations. during all of it i did actually have some very wonderful moments and experiences and i am also grateful. i forgive that you are toxic and evil and that you have and impose bad intentions purposefully. i forgive that you were cold and calculating but am grateful for the moments that made me feel so high, special and wonderful despite your real selfish intentions. i am grateful that going through hell with you made me come alive again and i forgive you for being that hell. you are the devil, my best adversary.
i forgive. i forgive. i forgive and i wish you well always in your life and endeavours.
nerve.com era mi primer encuentro con las páginas de citas en 1999. quede con un chico en otra cuidad y volví a la mía enrollada con mi ex de 10 años. a volver al mercado después de tanto tiempo y en una cuidad extraña me equivoque. pero este cuento no se trata de los cuantos imbéciles que por desgracia he conocido en okcupid y meetic. la historia es sobre un instante aleatorio tan delicioso con un punto de magia particular que jamás podría volver a encontrar en ningún otro quedado. tampoco lo buscaría.
aquel día en la calle girona había algo en el aire. el aroma de primavera, la luz y calor del sol por la tarde, polen. dos desconocidos. una chica tope descarada ese día y un chico encantador. le vi bajando su moto. nuestros ojos se fijaron y nos sonreíamos. esas sonrisas que se cuelgan el tiempo, parten las mejillas y te hace preguntar en slow motion “eso me esta pasando de verdad?” su sonrisa no venía forzada ni pretenciosa. era guapísima y por lo tanto impactante. pues seguí caminando aunque solo un par de pasos antes de que la situación me dio un golpe despertadora dejándome en excitación y nervios agudos. mire por detrás y le vi entrar el edificio. ciao corazon. pero no podía dejar escapar un momento tan tierno. y CA-CHON-DO. por lo menos no hoy. instintos carnales. seguí en camino. no, no podía. seguí en camino. no, no podía etcétera hasta que seguí en camino después de haberle dejado una nota en su moto con mi numero. mensaje el siguiente día. más sonrisas. playa. vermut. casa…..un polvo que arrasaba todo en su paso cada vez. un temblor íntimo una y otra vez. DIOSAS. siguiente día al despedirme sonreía. una de esas sonrisas que te ilustra todo lo contento que era por no haber bajado la moto al parking como solía hacer siempre. le abrí la puerta y se desapareció dejando en su memoria una satisfacción gourmet. nada más. nada menos.
para saber que decía la nota tendrás que preguntarle tú.
i have never felt comfortable with disagreeing. i never liked the defensive reaction that i got from the other person when disagreeing so rather than voicing my true heartfelt opinion i usually could just see where the person was coming from and so agree. everyone thinks i am so sweet and lovely for that reason. but i would rather be recognised as darling for the true nature of that characteristic: i am caring, kind, a good listener and patient, not a wall flower. recently agreeing and not saying what i really feel has started to cause physical tension and feel horrible. it’s time to start speaking from the heart, including with people i consider friends.
the universe is playing a little game with me, testing how ready i am for a man in my life. i am positive. the universe is watching my reaction to the opportunities that i am being presented-men. near me. making eye contact and checking me out. the one in yoga class tonight. there was a perfect moment to saying anything to him, just the two of us left in the studio, him tying up his mat me rolling mine up. facing each other with only a metre between us and not a single word escaped my mouth and not a single impulse over came me. i just continued going about my business hoping that he would say something. ah well. everything has it’s moment. one thing i did feel after was unfriendly. it seemed like in that silence at least a ciao, or how do you feel after the class might have been appropriate. so again a lesson or two gained: who is the judge of appropriate, you do not always have to empathise (see above). i was in that moment living my true feelings. regardless a friendly ciao would have lightened the atmosphere and felt good as well. (also may have opened the doors to a new friendship)
patience. you’ve got to have patience. know who your acquaintances are, who your friends are and who you’re loved ones are.
life is always going to throw you curves balls just when you think you have yours figured out, to keep you on your toes, learning and growing. the best survival tool is patience and knowing how to discern from what to keep and what to throw away, what is valuable and what is a fraud, what is genuine and what is a fake. another great and important one is knowing when to let go. in fact being able to let go, remaining present and sincere always but staying detached. life is so fluid and nothing is permanent.
two things occurred to me today. talking with J.A in class today we opined on much of the above. he raised the topic of relationships (of any sort) ending and how people react. also of discerning between real friendships and acquaintances. he hinted at ending classes with me at the end of the year to move onto a different way of studying english. that did not offend me at all. work relationships end and new beginnings start and it must be that way, especially as a freelancer or i would be stuck but over the course of our philosophical conversation i realised that i would miss this one hour per week where occasionally we work out the worlds problems. we share many points of view and disagree on many but the conversation is always enlightening and enjoyable.
one solution would be to offer conversation meets up every other week at lunch hour….but detachment is a key practice in these situations.
my second revelation for today was a burst of mini inspiration. stop looking at things the wrong way. so there is a very cute life guard at the swimming pool. actually there are many cute life guards there but a certain one wave and said hola to me from across the pool the other day. two days later it hit me and i thought how cute. when i went to the pool today he was there but did not acknowledge me and i almost let it get me down. how teenage. like relationships, sincronicity and energies are that simple!
when JA and i were talking today i realised once again how few people smile and are friendly in general, well at least here it is rare. eye contact is rare. this particular life guard smiles. a lot. to nobody in particular and to people, he knows and does not know. this is a beautiful quality and a rare one. so why was i looking at our contact from across the pool as a potential opportunity with the opposite sex when the real potential opportunity is for friendship? when i view him sexually i get nervous and feel too eager to speak with him, for the hope of something and for having a jaded perspective but if i turn that perspective around, my intentions change and it puts us on level ground and so i do not have to feel sad he did not say anything today because next time i will say hello without shame, desire, ulterior motive or hope, just an open mind toward a new situation.
i love finding the positive in the equation. what a rush. this is when life really feels blissful.
i’ve bitten off more than i can chew. yep. i can feel the weight of that in my upper back and shoulders. that buzzing, pressing tension that feels like blocked energy beneath my shoulder blades when i don’t express myself accurately. it happens when i don’t know my stuff. when deep down i don’t have enough experience to talk about something but am in a situation that forces me too. my decision to drop two english classes to follow yoga may have been a mistake because pregnant couples yoga is not something i am familiar with and i don’t really have the head space between everything else i am doing, learning, trying to make happen, to learn this AS WELL. i don’t feel confident with it which creates self induced tensions stemming from insecurities. hmmm, i would rather be doing this than english classes. well i’ve already committed to it so will take it on in full force and inform myself as much as i can plus participate in more acro yoga classes which i’ve been wanting to do anyway. BUT why is it that i have landed myself in a profession where i am surrounded by everything i want but none of which i have??? a partner, pregnancy, baby. what is this? am i sadomasochistic? do i enjoy suffering or what? goddamn ex is a disappointment. so many hopes and broken desires. yes lately i am in the mood to blame. well what if i’d done it all different hey? can’t travel back in time like doctor who, this is reality, growth and life at its sincerest i suppose and truth is all i ask for but fuck give me a break!!!
i hate that women like you. i hate that beautiful women like you. i hate that (we) foolishly fall for your charms. i hate that you can look 10 years younger than 43. i hate that you lose weight like it’s nothing which probably makes it easier for you to get women. i wish you gained 30 pounds especially in those nasty tits of yours and that your face would wrinkle. i hate that despite having the ugliest smile i’ve ever seen and rarely using it you are still getting gorgeous women of all ages. and putting notches on your belt (well in your case keeping the condom wrappers and count of these women). i hate that it got to the point where i learned too much about who you really are. i hate that i couldn’t just be a rollo because then ignorance would be bliss and occasionally you would take me out or somewhere new and then we would shag for the weekend. i hate all those messages on facebook that say the universe only gives you what you can handle-i am without lover(s). i hate that so many of the guys i meet seem like such bores and they probably aren’t they are just nervous or shy which is a sincere and natural way to be but you know exactly what to say, when and how and with such confidence because you have studied women and dedicated your life to fooling people and it works while the poor honest guy with sweaty palms is overlooked because women want alpha, testosterone and something unique. i hate that you get away with treating your children with such disrespect using them to attract women who will help you with them-relieve you of the responsibility of them. i hate that you always gave all your attention to your daughter and practically ignored your son. all of the horrible things you do were so obvious after a short time but you still get away with it. and the icing on the cake is that it will never affect you because you have no heart, no conscience and don’t give a shit about anything. why do you exist?
i also hate that dating sites and online applications have taken over the world of dating and destroyed it (or so it seems).
ahhhhh, nothing like a nice morning rant to relieve some negativity!
the memory of you just won’t quit. arguments and speeches reel through my head day after day. i look for you online. i hate you and i am grateful at the same time. it has been 3 months and i feel this is enough time to just let go but i stay attached. i ask myself what do i have to lose letting go, not seeing a photo of you or trying to following what you are doing via social networks. the answer is always the same and so obvious, NOTHING. i know my life would improve not having you on my mind, forgetting you ever existed. and it’s not that i am hoping to have you back or see you again because i know who and what you are and it is despicable, disgusting and evil. we are not compatible and we never were not that it would have made any difference. you are a sweet nemesis. if it wasn’t for your muddy waters i may never have made necessary changes in my life and opened my own eyes to who i am. you were one of those necessary adversaries given as a sour gift so that i could grow. got it. now leave me alone, your job here is done.
pondering it as it is there so i might as well learn why. i allow you to keep haunting me because i want to know that your life has turned to shit. that you are getting everything you deserve. that all the evil that you have done with malevolent disrespectful intention to me and others is coming back to attack. i want to know that karma is for real and i want proof in your case. i try to forgive you. i managed it the first and second time. i dedicate the eterno sol to you. i try to see you as just an unfortunate soul that like everybody is fighting their own battle and leave it at that but i am not consoled, especially what i know that actually you are very actively dating and sleeping with women which means they like you. just like i did. which means you have won yet again. which means you get to feel good about yourself rather than shit like me who cries from passionless saturday nights and lonely sundays. me who so desperately wants company, a lover to share with, touch, kiss and have endless passionate love making sessions with or at least some good hay rolling. and you a feral, horrible, heartless, ugly beast of a man can pull and pull and pull and fulfil the desires i have. why? why is nature so unbalanced? women are so weak and needy and then blame men for being idiots. how much more patience?
….and to top it off you are giving out what i want and what you once fooled me into believing i had with you. now somebody else is being adored (too much), has company and someone to watch movies with on a sunday night even if it’s with shitty you. the point is i can’t seem to find any satisfaction and it would appear that you get it left right and centre. but unlike you i don’t go for the quick fix. and these women, so beautiful. what are they thinking? what was i thinking? goes to show the quality of men in this city when an intense, fast moving sociopath has us all fooled because we are so sick of creeps like him until we realise he is their leader. you deserve nothing less than to be castrated and forced to wear the rotten member around your neck for the rest of your living days. or to contract cyphillis and and never have another hard done as long as you live. of course these things will never happen because things always seem to work to an assholes benefit while the rest of us who are making such an effort to remain good human beings get the short straw. damn it.