if it’s over then you must go

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the memory of you just won’t quit. arguments and speeches reel through my head day after day. i look for you online. i hate you and i am grateful at the same time. it has been 3 months and i feel this is enough time to just let go but i stay attached. i ask myself what do i have to lose letting go, not seeing a photo of you or trying to following what you are doing via social networks. the answer is always the same and so obvious, NOTHING. i know my life would improve not having you on my mind, forgetting you ever existed. and it’s not that i am hoping to have you back or see you again because i know who and what you are and it is despicable, disgusting and evil. we are not compatible and we never were not that it would have made any difference. you are a sweet nemesis. if it wasn’t for your muddy waters i may never have made necessary changes in my life and opened my own eyes to who i am. you were one of those necessary adversaries given as a sour gift so that i could grow. got it. now leave me alone, your job here is done.

pondering it as it is there so i might as well learn why. i allow you to keep haunting me because i want to know that your life has turned to shit. that you are getting everything you deserve. that all the evil that you have done with malevolent disrespectful intention to me and others is coming back to attack. i want to know that karma is for real and i want proof in your case. i try to forgive you. i managed it the first and second time. i dedicate the eterno sol to you. i try to see you as just an unfortunate soul that like everybody is fighting their own battle and leave it at that but i am not consoled, especially what i know that actually you are very actively dating and sleeping with women which means they like you. just like i did. which means you have won yet again. which means you get to feel good about yourself rather than shit like me who cries from passionless saturday nights and lonely sundays. me who so desperately wants company, a lover to share with, touch, kiss and have endless passionate love making sessions with or at least some good hay rolling. and you a feral, horrible, heartless, ugly beast of a man can pull and pull and pull and fulfil the desires i have. why? why is nature so unbalanced? women are so weak and needy and then blame men for being idiots. how much more patience?

….and to top it off you are giving out what i want and what you once fooled me into believing i had with you. now somebody else is being adored (too much), has company and someone to watch movies with on a sunday night even if it’s with shitty you. the point is i can’t seem to find any satisfaction and it would appear that you get it left right and centre. but unlike you i don’t go for the quick fix. and these women, so beautiful. what are they thinking? what was i thinking? goes to show the quality of men in this city when an intense, fast moving sociopath has us all fooled because we are so sick of creeps like him until we realise he is their leader. you deserve nothing less than to be castrated  and forced to wear the rotten member around your neck for the rest of your living days. or to contract cyphillis and and never have another hard done as long as you live. of course these things will never happen because things always seem to work to an assholes benefit while the rest of us who are making such an effort to remain good human beings get the short straw. damn it.

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