oh boy

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i’ve bitten off more than i can chew. yep. i can feel the weight of that in my upper back and shoulders. that buzzing, pressing tension that feels like blocked energy beneath my shoulder blades when i don’t express myself accurately. it happens when i don’t know my stuff. when deep down i don’t have enough experience to talk about something but am in a situation that forces me too. my decision to drop two english classes to follow yoga may have been a mistake because pregnant couples yoga is not something i am familiar with and i don’t really have the head space between everything else i am doing, learning, trying to make happen, to learn this AS WELL. i don’t feel confident with it which creates self induced tensions stemming from insecurities. hmmm, i would rather be doing this than english classes. well i’ve already committed to it so will take it on in full force and inform myself as much as i can plus participate in more acro yoga classes which i’ve been wanting to do anyway. BUT why is it that i have landed myself in a profession where i am surrounded by everything i want but none of which i have??? a partner, pregnancy, baby. what is this? am i sadomasochistic? do i enjoy suffering or what? goddamn ex is a disappointment. so many hopes and broken desires. yes lately i am in the mood to blame. well what if i’d done it all different hey? can’t travel back in time like doctor who, this is reality, growth and life at its sincerest i suppose and truth is all i ask for but fuck give me a break!!!

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