coming back to canada (02/08-12/09/2014) and staying with my parents has been one revelation after another, like one solar flare after another. the storm has blown cracks in my soul wide open allowing me to begin to understand who i was and why, equally about my present self. the most emotionally overwhelming confrontation has been how profoundly the energy of our parents affect us overall and throughout our time growing up with them. i look back at all the sadness, depression, confusion, misery, anxiety and fatigue i lived with and remember from the ages of 15 onwards and i feel myself right back where i was. every time i come home and stay with my parents i watch and feel my happiness and joy start to become overtaken by those same repeat feelings. the happiness and joy that i have worked hard to find and shine and which now feels so much more intrinsic becomes so difficult to maintain and i notice it is because there is a distinct lack of it here at my folks place. often an entire day goes by and they do not laugh with each other. they do not exchange smiles, hugs, kisses and love anymore. i don’t recall when this may have stopped. my mothers communication with my father is blameful and aggressive. there is no lightness between them, there is no air or joy and this starts to weigh heavy. the atmosphere is dense. i am doing my best but in this environment i feel myself quickly become sucked into this vortex of their energy and i spin and spiral out of control. i lose myself and my ground. i lose my centre and now i see clearly the cloud i lived under and why for the duration of my adult life that i spend living at home. between trips living abroad i always came running back to the comfort and safety of “home” and their love. this trip i have encountered much negativity and misery, too much blame and animosity between them.
all my life i never new where to fit in. until now i never actually accepted myself, mainly because i didn’t know who i was. all my life i fought with not knowing what to say to people, being uncomfortable in group situations, not know how to make a joke and be funny, laughing nervously, not knowing why deep down i always felt lonely and depressed. i feel now that this is the environment that i grew up in for a large portion of my life. i am not blaming i am simply observing. my entire life i have chased a glimpse of happiness and joy by bury myself deep in long term relationships thinking that as long as i had this man at my side i was fulfilled and could accept myself because somebody wanted me. i see my parents now each defending themself in an attempt to be seen and heard by the other while they seem less and less understood and fulfilled. the blame goes to the other person, self reflection is seemingly sparse and taking on the responsibility for oneself and their own actions is nil. i always blamed my partner, sometimes myself, for my own unhappiness because i didn’t know how to make it within myself. coming home has made me take a look at who i was, even revisit it and realise that the person i have worked enduringly and hard to become is the one i love and accept profoundly and independent of external gratification. it is this Amy that finds joy, lightness and happiness through her own being that i will continue to admire, pamper, respect, love, celebrate, accept, work on and eternally BE despite my past. i felt empty but now i feel full.
i acknowledge and respect where and who i have come from but i choose to continue on my path as who I AM.
through my parents lack of self love i have made it my mission to become love.
no longer will i look outside myself for fulfilment or happiness. no longer will i wait and search for it in another person. it is present and alive within me.
I have been you Dad and you Mum at once in my relationship with Stuart, now it is time to be me in a healthy relationship build on mutual love-two self-fulfilled people who come together in joy, passion and love.
I am a triangle-Canadian at the top, Polish to the left and English/Irish to the right. Each represents such a large part of me despite never having been to Poland or travelled Ireland.
First and foremost I am Canadian because I was born and grew up there. What I resonate most as a Canadian is my ability to be empathetic, open, kind, trusting and helpful – all traits ubiquitous and unique to Canadian people. It’s disarming and these are some of my inherited charms.
My Polish is not an ability to speak the language but to persist, overcome, continue and realise my dreams. It’s my fearless ingenuity and perspective, strengths inherited from my ancestors and fathers side of the family.
I have a deep rooted Irish/(English) warrior/goddess spirit. I believe there is something special on the other side of the rainbow that can be found right where I am. I believe in the fairytales that make our hearts pour with wishful desire and the mystery of love. It is my sincere contradiction; part fantasy part fact and all courage grown from my mothers Irish blood.
and that is who I am.
when you open your body it takes you to the places you need to go.
being strong does not come from physical strength it’s a result of the courage it takes to go deeper and open more. patience gets you there. when you are in a rush for something it gets forced and you cut off the authentic experience that awaits you.
although life goes by fast everything happens slowly.
to be free you must overcome your suffering. deep within we all have suffering that grows with us from birth. suffering can only be dissolved by letting go. by choosing not to suffer anymore. by becoming conscious and literally releasing the reigns you grasp in your hands. it takes courage to face that fear, honour it and move on. then you can soar. and once you start to soar your wing may get clipped but your courage is stronger than your fear and you just keep high because that is where you belong. that is where the wind sustains you.
when you let go life starts to happen, it flows and as it flows your consciousness expands, lessons happen faster and you automatically discern from those who belong in your life and those who are toxic. you become surrounded by angels in the form of lessons necessary in your evolution on this planet. every single person you meet is fundamental on your journey and as easily as the heat touches your skin when the sun rises you grow and evolve. soaring, the wind just keeps lifting you. now you are aware and free. you accept yourself fully and pay no attention to those that don’t, you know your self worth and now you can accept your family and all their karma that caused your suffering from birth. you feel and give love in moments you never thought you could even breathe through. you become the beauty of nature itself and your presence can start to heal others.
i am burning karma.
nacho was my first lesson in my post stuart evolution. being with him helped me to heal a huge part of myself. he made me aware that naive love is dangerous to myself. i learned to set healthy boundaries for myself. i learned self respect and dignity. i went back twice to learn that lesson fully. i allowed myself to suffer for it to be clear.
caco was my second lesson. he without realising it taught me to accept myself unconditionally as well as accept situations in all their truth and reality. he helped me to let go and “let the things flow” and as a result to honour and respect mine and the natural rhythm of each relationship. caco is still in my life but physically distant. he reminds me that energy can be present even from across the world and although the connection is far it has a rhythm that maintains it. by respecting with patience a seed grows at it’s natural pace gaining quality and strength along the way.
elisabetta is my third lesson. she is currently present in my life and this is the lesson i have learned fastest so far. she appeared just before coming back to canada after 6 years away and before leaving barcelona she awakened me to a powerful desire within me to simply accept my parents as they are. i understand i need to have boundaries with them as well. loving boundaries that respect my needs but do not hurt them. she made me realise that self love is the surest and most effective way to unconditionally loving and accepting my parents, that only through choosing to accept myself can i accept them. your parents are your true gurus.
gilda has and continues to teach me healthy discipline with myself. she shows me time and again how to kindly but unforgivingly respect my needs and boundaries.
krishinda teaches me to live and work from compassion and my soul. she shows me how to display my feathers proudly, shamelessly and unforgivingly. she gives me such strength and love through her sincerity.
ana, victoria and jose are my guiding and guardian angels. they are all sources of love and support.
eventually it all sinks in and becomes clear. now that you are soaring it is time to laugh and live joy.
coming home is painful. the joy of being close to family again is quickly masked by the revelation of cracks in our family dynamic. i feel the burden of my parents karma and chosen lives every time i get near. they have both individually chosen this path of suffering. my father, guilt and shame my mother defensive insecurity.i love them to bits and only wish i could sit and have a genuine discussion with them, one where deep unresolved personal issues and tender emotions didn’t get in the way and lead to arguments. just once i want to be able to let my guard down and not have to measure every word i say in fear of touching and exposed nerve and setting off a potential bomb. they have both buried so profoundly so many emotions that real life is almost too much to face especially in my mothers case, the tiniest thing sparks her negativity and hurt to the point where happiness, lightness and joy are just too difficult because she is hanging on so hard to everything else. i know this feeling because my entire life i have lived in my head trying to understand myself, my feelings and why i wasn’t more like everyone else. after much work as i bring myself into balance and create peace between my head and heart i have stated to finally recognise my soul-something i desperately wanted since i can remember, just to be. to be me. to be my most authentic self and to enjoy life. to truly be happy. now when i come home i feel sadness and a sort of repression. i feel the weight of their own self imposed repression and i recognise my own repression of words, thoughts and feelings around them. as a result our relationship, which is full of all the love they have, is superficial, perpetual small talk.
my poor father is so afraid of my mother, more than for fear of her hurting him but fear of him releasing the hurt child that is trapped inside her. seeing her in a rage or living one of her silent treatments because of something he said would create such intense feelings of guilt and shame in himself that he constantly wimps out, represses his voice and avoids confrontation. as a result his voice is so strained. you can hear it and feel it. my mother constantly puts him down, belittles and controls him and dad takes it but he suffers in silence as a martyr. he is always so concerned with other peoples suffering he forgets about himself. he takes on the suffering ignorant to how much it has eaten away at him over the years and the repercussions. now i know why my brother stays away. his distance pisses my mother off, it grates and hurts her that she is not more important in his life so much so that when he comes around they adore him.
i am to real, i do not know how to fake it and my mother knows i see through all of it and am capable of bringing too much oppressed pain to the surface as a result she, as i do, feels like she is walking on eggshells around me and can’t be her created, protected self. with my father she can get away with anything she wants and my brother never stays long enough to be affected by these feelings, he’s like a roman soldier who manages to walk away unscathed protected by his armour that he removes at night safe far away in is lair again.
i know above all i must love and accept myself despite anything else and now the duty of accepting who they are so that i can love them fully and really without judgement show it.
i think my mother craves my admiration and respect. my father needs love and laughter and understanding. they are much more than just their hurt and past.
this is why i have come home. to heal these wounds i carry since i can remember so that i can have a clean relationship and start a family finally.