coming back to canada (02/08-12/09/2014) and staying with my parents has been one revelation after another, like one solar flare after another. the storm has blown cracks in my soul wide open allowing me to begin to understand who i was and why, equally about my present self. the most emotionally overwhelming confrontation has been how profoundly the energy of our parents affect us overall and throughout our time growing up with them. i look back at all the sadness, depression, confusion, misery, anxiety and fatigue i lived with and remember from the ages of 15 onwards and i feel myself right back where i was. every time i come home and stay with my parents i watch and feel my happiness and joy start to become overtaken by those same repeat feelings. the happiness and joy that i have worked hard to find and shine and which now feels so much more intrinsic becomes so difficult to maintain and i notice it is because there is a distinct lack of it here at my folks place. often an entire day goes by and they do not laugh with each other. they do not exchange smiles, hugs, kisses and love anymore. i don’t recall when this may have stopped. my mothers communication with my father is blameful and aggressive. there is no lightness between them, there is no air or joy and this starts to weigh heavy. the atmosphere is dense. i am doing my best but in this environment i feel myself quickly become sucked into this vortex of their energy and i spin and spiral out of control. i lose myself and my ground. i lose my centre and now i see clearly the cloud i lived under and why for the duration of my adult life that i spend living at home. between trips living abroad i always came running back to the comfort and safety of “home” and their love. this trip i have encountered much negativity and misery, too much blame and animosity between them.
all my life i never new where to fit in. until now i never actually accepted myself, mainly because i didn’t know who i was. all my life i fought with not knowing what to say to people, being uncomfortable in group situations, not know how to make a joke and be funny, laughing nervously, not knowing why deep down i always felt lonely and depressed. i feel now that this is the environment that i grew up in for a large portion of my life. i am not blaming i am simply observing. my entire life i have chased a glimpse of happiness and joy by bury myself deep in long term relationships thinking that as long as i had this man at my side i was fulfilled and could accept myself because somebody wanted me. i see my parents now each defending themself in an attempt to be seen and heard by the other while they seem less and less understood and fulfilled. the blame goes to the other person, self reflection is seemingly sparse and taking on the responsibility for oneself and their own actions is nil. i always blamed my partner, sometimes myself, for my own unhappiness because i didn’t know how to make it within myself. coming home has made me take a look at who i was, even revisit it and realise that the person i have worked enduringly and hard to become is the one i love and accept profoundly and independent of external gratification. it is this Amy that finds joy, lightness and happiness through her own being that i will continue to admire, pamper, respect, love, celebrate, accept, work on and eternally BE despite my past. i felt empty but now i feel full.
i acknowledge and respect where and who i have come from but i choose to continue on my path as who I AM.
through my parents lack of self love i have made it my mission to become love.
no longer will i look outside myself for fulfilment or happiness. no longer will i wait and search for it in another person. it is present and alive within me.