i was staying with you (C). initially the feeling was that things were ok. you would go to work everyday and i would stay at your place. but one day i went out and got completely lost, i couldn’t find my way back to your house so i got on a bus and started speaking to an american guy who then tried to help me get back to you. we ended up in some seedy parts of town, we were in your country, and suddenly out the window of the bus or cab that we were now it i saw like a supernova in the sky exploding into thousands of bright stars. i tried to get this american guy to check it out but he ignored me. then i saw another one, again he missed it but this time this girl appeared next to me out of nowhere while i was awing over the supernova. she said “if you want to find him follow the grey line and you can get back to him” and then she disappeared. we followed a grey line that was messily painted on the ground. eventually it must have taken me back to your place. in the next dream scene i was kind of looking around your house checking out this n that and how you live. i was standing at the window and you came home. it made me so happy to see you. i smiled and said hello. at first you smiled and then asked me to get something but i couldn’t hear you enough to understand what you were saying so i kept saying “what i can’t hear you”. eventually you got really upset and stormed inside, shaking your head, to grab whatever the thing you wanted was. you stormed out again and i felt sad. then later again at some point you came home again. and again i was so happy to see you. but you didn’t arrive alone, you came with all these friends, hardly said hello to me and didn’t introduce any of them. i went into the living room where you all were to offer to make dinner but you were gone and all these young girls had arrived. i figured we were all going out partying so i went to look for you and talk. i heard the shower going and planned to get in with you but suddenly i was detoured at every try to get to the bathroom where you were. then i saw you leave it, shaved with no beard, and dressed in jeans. i shouted your name and waved. you turned and looked at me but kept walking away then suddenly you were dressed in a flowing orange dress over a t shirt, trainers with long white socks on and jars of beans around your ankles! and a girl appear at that instant holding your hand, dressed exactly the same but in a red dress, and pulling you to go with her. her back was to me. you smiled at me, hesitate and then ran off with her.
i woke up…
why can’t i let you go. i told you that i thought our encounter was only meant to be a one night stand in the lifetime and that that is where it ended for me because i felt i was giving and hoping too much for what i was receiving in return. at some point i even started to feel like it was all a farce. i said goodbye and cut off contact out of self preservation. i was far too hung up on the potential of us and on the future-you maybe coming to barcelona, you moving to ireland. those hopes started to invade me and bring me out of my present. also i hated the way you would cut me off as soon as we started to have a decent getting to know each other conversation via text, that seriously hurt because it was then that i realised you probably just don’t care and everything felt like a joke. but the fault was my own, i created all this suffering by taking the whole thing to seriously and wanting it too much. i even became convinced that i wasn’t good looking enough which made me insecure, far too needy and insecure.
i really don’t know what happened when i met you in barcelona. whatever it was felt so sincere and familiar. i didn’t want to let you go. on the one hand you are not good looking to me at first sight but immediately something else clicked and i adored you, all of it even your bald head which i really am not attracted to normally-i don’t like the way it looks or feels. you were a terrible kisser, i had to pull away and i adore kissing, i could do it for hours, but with you it didn’t matter i was willing to improve that kiss with you and make it ours. in bed you did not impress me, in fact i (as often is the case) enjoyed the sex because i made it could. i brought you into your comfort zone and so you performed as close to as what i desired as possible. i knew i could have gone further and made it even more epic and i knew that we could soar to unmentionable heights given the chance so again i was not phased by it and i felt insanely comfortable naked with you. so what happened? with on these people on the planet why am i sat here still hooked on you and reading articles about letting go when actually there was a lot i was not impressed with? it was your BEING that wrapped its collar around me and has had me settled since. i felt at home. when i was with you my mind cleared of worries and bothers, i felt present and spontaneous.i loved it. i loved myself and i really appreciated YOU. then after knowing you for less than 48 hours i pushed you away and ran because i didn’t want to be hurt. because i was afraid and determined not to repeat myself (long distance relationship). because you were going back to your country. because i didn’t want to live off hope or have a texting relationship. and recently i have done the same for the same reasons (plus the above ones). and i still imagine you coming to barcelona. i still picture myself in your embrace (in bed) and getting to know you. taking you to special places here. and sometimes i even get this creepy feeling that i am in your country. yet you feel gone, distance, far away. it feels like i was right and you don’t/didn’t care. i don’t want to believe that but like with everything that is not nurtured with love doubt slips in and all i have is believing that the universe will take care of things, they are as they are meant to be.
what do you think/feel/want? is there a chance? will you come here to see me? were you just lying to me and playing a silly game or were you sincere?
i need answers……that is what i need.
my desires, goals and passions….
- i will stay focused on building my career into and empire that includes: a (famous) book on the Yoga Doula birth method, a birth clinic in Ibiza, a birth preparation workshop
- i will make more money – a minimum of 2000 euros per month every month 12 months of the year, by giving more yoga classes (min 30 euros per hour), weekend birth preparation workshops, doulaing (minimum one client per month), occasional nude modelling
- i aim with clarity and direction to be comfortably rich. i have no fear of money or being a person who is rich. i will attract money to me and improve my life and lifestyle with it.
- my hobby passions are to take up photography again and become proficient enough to use it as a benefit to my profession, learn to play the cello and ukele then sing in a band for fun, learn to draw or paint for pleasure
– work everyday on my feminine energy-softening, sweetening, being in my goddess power
– everyday i aim to do things that please and fulfil me, not look for satisfaction outside of who i am
– i will attract strong masculine energy to me and have my choice of men suitors to spend the rest of my life with – the right man will find me, adore me, care for me, give me what i want and deserve, protect me and stay with me
– i am worthy of a high value man who owns his masculinity and recognises his feminine side, who works hard, earns good money, looks good, has his own life and hobbies and knows how to treat me.
– i want to be in a healthy long term relationship with a man. one in which he enhances my femininity with his masculine energy and i enhance his masculinity with my feminine energy. ying and yang
“I have no right to call myself one who knows. I was one who seeks, and I still am, but I no longer seek in the stars or in books; I’m beginning to hear the teachings of my blood pulsing within me. My story isn’t pleasant, it’s not sweet and harmonious like the invented stories; it tastes of folly and bewilderment, of madness and dream, like the life of all people who no longer want to lie to themselves.”
every time i fall in love with a man it’s because he is one of the pieces of me that are still missing.
C, your blunt masculinity inspired me to want to be a woman, a real sensual and feminine woman. it inspired all things feminine in me including wanting (and knowing how) to make a man feel like a man.
it also awakened a deep acceptance of myself, especially my body, but at the same time has challenged my neediness and weakness.
from you i have learned where my love is demanding and needy. i have seen where i surrender myself to men for attention instead of filling myself with the things that give me pleasure. and i realise that i look for that attention from men to take the work of fulfilling myself off my shoulders and expect them to do it for me. dangerous play.
of course when this does not happen (thank you for resisting) i am hurt and back at square one-sad, lonely, empty and obsessive instead of fulfilling my desires and dreams through activities that give me pleasure.
you have taught me this through the way you admire all women and via your soft heart yet focused strong masculine energy.
when you were in Barcelona and had the opportunity to spend the night with me again you preferred to do other things, stick to your plans-i admired that, this conviction is something that lacks in me on occasion and is where i surrender myself to men.
also this admiration for women that you have has made me want to be THE woman you (masculine men) adore.
i got lost in this need and forgot that you did recognise my energy, love, sex, and kindness and responded to it but i lost confidence and trust in it and got needy and insecure and envious of other women instead of harnessing my feminine energy even more and drawing your masculinity to it with courage. (there were also a lot of other factors that brought doubts like the distance between us, the ambiguity of our relationship, not speaking enough etc)
i see that my impatience for attention and love comes from an insecurity within myself and from not giving enough of it compassionately and sincerely to myself.
first i have to be the things i love to do and the pleasures that satisfy me before i can meet somebody in the middle for love.
i have to find my strength in my own pleasures and convictions before i can be completely confident beside a man because part of being a woman is understanding that men will always be attracted to other females by nature and it’s important not to reduce them for it but to be confident enough in my own femininity, happiness and love that despite his primitive desires he adores me and always will because i make him time and time again feel good when he is with me and always feel like a man by giving not just pleasing and by valuing myself first, by being a solid gold woman.
(i am referring to an innocent attraction to women definitely not a man who cheats)
draw a picture of your world in you mind.
now add the top most currently critical people to your life in the picture.
reflect on why they are so critical to your life. what lessons are they teaching you?
below them add the next level of critical people and so on until you have a hierarchy of all the people who have walked with you on your journey as a spiritual being having a human experience, including the nasty ones, and the ones that are no longer around.
suddenly everything has a purpose and suddenly your life has so much meaning.
reflect on the fact that you manifested all of those life lessons in the form of every human being that has had an impact on you.
everything happens for a reason.
we are more powerful than we can even imagine. we can manifest the things we want and need in our lives, we just have to be aware of it and always be grateful.
we lay down the stones to our life path decades before we get there…
Physical manifestation is nothing more than an end result of focused thought.
Quantum physicists have known for decades that the building blocks of matter aren’t atoms; rather, they are made of energy. In other words, everything that we see in our environment is energy that has been turned into a solid state.
Quantum physicists have also discovered that atoms are mostly empty space and that the space that isn’t empty is actually made of energy that contains information. In addition, they discovered that energy is conscious and matter is constructed by focused thought.
The main keys for manifesting things are thought, emotion, and action. Thought is the creative and neutral force that is needed to focus energy, so that the energy can manifest into physicality. Emotion is the feminine expression of consciousness. It is needed to strengthen the thought manifestation process at the emotional and spiritual level. Action is the masculine expression of consciousness. It is the force used to create physical changes in the material realm. When these three keys of manifestation aren’t used in harmony with one another, it becomes nearly impossible to manifest your desires.
Once you understand the relationship among thought, emotion, and action, you should know that to have better control of the thought manifestation process, you need to learn how to combine the Law of Attraction with appropriate actions and emotions.
In fact, physicists have found that atoms, the so-called building blocks of matter, are 99.99999 percent empty space. They have also found that the remaining percentage of matter is not solid but has an energy-like quality to it. So, what does this all mean? It means that matter is an illusion. Atoms and matter exist because they are held together with focused thought. If this thought ever loses its focus, atoms and matter would simply vanish; therefore, our bodies and surroundings would cease to exist.
what if we could just stay fully connected via an interchange of energy. it would take total faith and trust in the power of the other persons feelings and energy. there would be no trying to stay connected with them by knowing what they are doing all the time, by checking in with messages too often or by watching their FB page. there would be no running list of questions and answers about their whereabouts or expectations of a phone call. simply a feeling, followed by a thought about that person would be enough to put you in contact with them-a calling via their energy when they have you on their mind. thinking about you would produce sufficient positive energy and contentment in them that you would receive a slight jolt yourself and that person would suddenly appear in your thoughts. no bad vibes or paranoia because you would rely and trust in things being as they are meant to be meaning when this person should be in your life, in any form be it a phone call or in person, you would know and it would flow. and respecting the natural rhythm between the two of you would be your only focus. in this way two people live their life’s journey and unite at precise moments although always coexisting and connected despite any large distance.
and what if once you have had an impact energetically on each other, and your souls had recognised the seed planted between them then you would be connected for a lifetime and no matter what you would always come back to each other because that seed would always sprout flowers when the time is right and all it would take is being fully present in your life and trusting your truth and the universe and that would be true love because as long as you had the courage to trust so deeply the other person would never feel astray and you would be bound by energetic ties born in your heart and soul as one WE.
but what if your struggle was fear? what if you kept pushing each other away to escape the fear of leaping into the great abyss of trust and love? and if you jumped together? or if one of you jumped first would it give the other courage enough to follow? as long as you were both on board could either ever fall or be lost?
what would happen if doubt interfered, would the seed be planted deep enough and the connection be strong enough that the other would await regardless? is love stronger than fear?
and what if instead of fearing the possibility of something without a distinct and predictable outcome you could stop searching for the answer and the story and you could just let possibility be the present sum of what exists between the two of you? would it become something more palpable, would it exist, does it have to when it already does metaphysically which is more potent and profound than future plans or fantasies of what could be.
and once you were intertwined could mistakes be forgiven and forgotten? could love be felt in unintentionally harsh words and actions?
is love so understanding that it just forgives because in the light of it the ego diminishes?
i hope so because i feel you in my cells. and i forgot that our world continued to exist even when there was no sensory contact.
i wish you everyday to find true love and happiness, can you hear my whisper?