for you


every time i fall in love with a man it’s because he is one of the pieces of me that are still missing.

C, your blunt masculinity inspired me to want to be a woman, a real sensual and feminine woman. it inspired all things feminine in me including wanting (and knowing how) to make a man feel like a man.
it also awakened a deep acceptance of myself, especially my body, but at the same time has challenged my neediness and weakness.
from you i have learned where my love is demanding and needy. i have seen where i surrender myself to men for attention instead of filling myself with the things that give me pleasure. and i realise that i look for that attention from men to take the work of fulfilling myself off my shoulders and expect them to do it for me. dangerous play.
of course when this does not happen (thank you for resisting) i am hurt and back at square one-sad, lonely, empty and obsessive instead of fulfilling my desires and dreams through activities that give me pleasure.
you have taught me this through the way you admire all women and via your soft heart yet focused strong masculine energy.
when you were in Barcelona and had the opportunity to spend the night with me again you preferred to do other things, stick to your plans-i admired that, this conviction is something that lacks in me on occasion and is where i surrender myself to men.
also this admiration for women that you have has made me want to be THE woman you (masculine men) adore.
i got lost in this need and forgot that you did recognise my energy, love, sex, and kindness and responded to it but i lost confidence and trust in it and got needy and insecure and envious of other women instead of harnessing my feminine energy even more and drawing your masculinity to it with courage. (there were also a lot of other factors that brought doubts like the distance between us, the ambiguity of our relationship, not speaking enough etc)
i see that my impatience for attention and love comes from an insecurity within myself and from not giving enough of it compassionately and sincerely to myself.

first i have to be the things i love to do and the pleasures that satisfy me before i can meet somebody in the middle for love.
i have to find my strength in my own pleasures and convictions before i can be completely confident beside a man because part of being a woman is understanding that men will always be attracted to other females by nature and it’s important not to reduce them for it but to be confident enough in my own femininity, happiness and love that despite his primitive desires he adores me and always will because i make him time and time again feel good when he is with me and always feel like a man by giving not just pleasing and by valuing myself first, by being a solid gold woman.
(i am referring to an innocent attraction to women definitely not a man who cheats)

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