i was staying with you (C). initially the feeling was that things were ok. you would go to work everyday and i would stay at your place. but one day i went out and got completely lost, i couldn’t find my way back to your house so i got on a bus and started speaking to an american guy who then tried to help me get back to you. we ended up in some seedy parts of town, we were in your country, and suddenly out the window of the bus or cab that we were now it i saw like a supernova in the sky exploding into thousands of bright stars. i tried to get this american guy to check it out but he ignored me. then i saw another one, again he missed it but this time this girl appeared next to me out of nowhere while i was awing over the supernova. she said “if you want to find him follow the grey line and you can get back to him” and then she disappeared. we followed a grey line that was messily painted on the ground. eventually it must have taken me back to your place. in the next dream scene i was kind of looking around your house checking out this n that and how you live. i was standing at the window and you came home. it made me so happy to see you. i smiled and said hello. at first you smiled and then asked me to get something but i couldn’t hear you enough to understand what you were saying so i kept saying “what i can’t hear you”. eventually you got really upset and stormed inside, shaking your head, to grab whatever the thing you wanted was. you stormed out again and i felt sad. then later again at some point you came home again. and again i was so happy to see you. but you didn’t arrive alone, you came with all these friends, hardly said hello to me and didn’t introduce any of them. i went into the living room where you all were to offer to make dinner but you were gone and all these young girls had arrived. i figured we were all going out partying so i went to look for you and talk. i heard the shower going and planned to get in with you but suddenly i was detoured at every try to get to the bathroom where you were. then i saw you leave it, shaved with no beard, and dressed in jeans. i shouted your name and waved. you turned and looked at me but kept walking away then suddenly you were dressed in a flowing orange dress over a t shirt, trainers with long white socks on and jars of beans around your ankles! and a girl appear at that instant holding your hand, dressed exactly the same but in a red dress, and pulling you to go with her. her back was to me. you smiled at me, hesitate and then ran off with her.
i woke up…
why can’t i let you go. i told you that i thought our encounter was only meant to be a one night stand in the lifetime and that that is where it ended for me because i felt i was giving and hoping too much for what i was receiving in return. at some point i even started to feel like it was all a farce. i said goodbye and cut off contact out of self preservation. i was far too hung up on the potential of us and on the future-you maybe coming to barcelona, you moving to ireland. those hopes started to invade me and bring me out of my present. also i hated the way you would cut me off as soon as we started to have a decent getting to know each other conversation via text, that seriously hurt because it was then that i realised you probably just don’t care and everything felt like a joke. but the fault was my own, i created all this suffering by taking the whole thing to seriously and wanting it too much. i even became convinced that i wasn’t good looking enough which made me insecure, far too needy and insecure.
i really don’t know what happened when i met you in barcelona. whatever it was felt so sincere and familiar. i didn’t want to let you go. on the one hand you are not good looking to me at first sight but immediately something else clicked and i adored you, all of it even your bald head which i really am not attracted to normally-i don’t like the way it looks or feels. you were a terrible kisser, i had to pull away and i adore kissing, i could do it for hours, but with you it didn’t matter i was willing to improve that kiss with you and make it ours. in bed you did not impress me, in fact i (as often is the case) enjoyed the sex because i made it could. i brought you into your comfort zone and so you performed as close to as what i desired as possible. i knew i could have gone further and made it even more epic and i knew that we could soar to unmentionable heights given the chance so again i was not phased by it and i felt insanely comfortable naked with you. so what happened? with on these people on the planet why am i sat here still hooked on you and reading articles about letting go when actually there was a lot i was not impressed with? it was your BEING that wrapped its collar around me and has had me settled since. i felt at home. when i was with you my mind cleared of worries and bothers, i felt present and spontaneous.i loved it. i loved myself and i really appreciated YOU. then after knowing you for less than 48 hours i pushed you away and ran because i didn’t want to be hurt. because i was afraid and determined not to repeat myself (long distance relationship). because you were going back to your country. because i didn’t want to live off hope or have a texting relationship. and recently i have done the same for the same reasons (plus the above ones). and i still imagine you coming to barcelona. i still picture myself in your embrace (in bed) and getting to know you. taking you to special places here. and sometimes i even get this creepy feeling that i am in your country. yet you feel gone, distance, far away. it feels like i was right and you don’t/didn’t care. i don’t want to believe that but like with everything that is not nurtured with love doubt slips in and all i have is believing that the universe will take care of things, they are as they are meant to be.
what do you think/feel/want? is there a chance? will you come here to see me? were you just lying to me and playing a silly game or were you sincere?
i need answers……that is what i need.