Monthly Archives: November 2014

for all time

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Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

Ni le bien qu’on m’a fait
(Not the good things that have been done to me)
Ni le mal tout ça m’est bien égal
(Nor the bad things, it’s all the same to me)

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

C’est payé, balayé, oublié
(It’s paid for, swept away, forgotten)
Je me fous du passé
(I don’t care about the past)

Avec mes souvenirs
(With my memories)
J’ai allumé le feu
(I lit the fire)

Mes chagrins, mes plaisirs
(My troubles, my pleasures)
Je n’ai plus besoin d’eux
(I don’t need them anymore)

Balayés les amours
(Swept away my past loves)
Avec leurs trémolos
(With their tremors)

Balayés pour toujours
(Swept away for always)
Je repars à zéro
(I start again from zero)

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

Ni le bien qu’on m’a fait
(Not the good things that have been done to me)
Ni le mal tout ça m’est bien égal
(Nor the bad things, it’s all the same to me)

Non, Rien de rien
(No, nothing of nothing)
Non, Je ne regrette rien
(No, I regret nothing)

Car ma vie, car mes joies
(Because my life, my joys)
Aujourd’hui, ça commence avec toi
(Today, it begins with you)

Read more: Edith Piaf – Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien Lyrics | MetroLyrics

THE love affair

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“Anaïs, I don’t know how to tell you what I feel. I live in perpetual expectancy. You come and the time slips away in a dream. It is only when you go that I realize completely your presence. And then it is too late. You numb me…This is a little drunken, Anaïs. I am saying to myself ‘here is the first woman with whom I can be absolutely sincere.’
I don’t know what to expect of you, but it is something in the way of a miracle. I am going to demand everything of you—even the impossible, because you encourage it.”

Henry Miller + Anaïs Nin’s Love-Scented Correspondence.

aparigraha

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our connections and relationships with other people are like elastics-they stretch and bend but as long as they are not forced they do not break. I think in letting go we must stop pulling the elastic and allow the stretch between two people.Once connected I don’t think the other person is ever really that far despite physical distances but if we pull the elastic too hard it is in danger of either snapping or releasing and being catapulted even farther.
If we can let go of all that we hold onto in our minds (how a relationship should be, wanting someone so desperately, seeking out a person and inventing situations or excuses to be around them) then we are brought together at ideal moments and we are called by this person in our heart. I know that when I suddenly think of an old friend, ex or family member out of the blue it is for a reason, I am being called to them for something and for me is the signal to contact them. When chasing someone I don’t hear these signals because they don’t exist because I have’t given them a chance to, I am trying to force something-like pulling the elastic.
I prefer serendipity, there is so much more truth in it.

Masculine/Feminine

Recently I had two different one night stands. One with a boy of about 26-27. A real stallion but very inexperienced in the sack. He was either too shy or too young to to fully understand a women and appreciate her body. Sex seemed to be a display of strength and endurance for him and there was no real connection between our two bodies a part from his member!
I felt dumpy, clumsy and for the first time (since Stu) self conscious in bed with him. As he was “performing” I did not know how to be, it felt very displaced and although he did the kama sutra with me I was left unsatisfied.
Boys like this need a dominatrix to show them how. For me this would have been an opportunity to connect to my sexuality not in a traditional manner through connection but by dominating and controlling the situation and him. Lesson learned, I’m ready for the next one!

On the second occasion I was with a man of 42. He adored every part of me especially my womanhood. He spend a lot of time showing and telling me how much he adore every inch of my body which completely put me at ease physically and mentally and so I could enjoy myself fully. Between true masculine and feminine energies in the bed things just flow. Rather than sex or fucking it is more of a sensual dance and what I receive I often want to return and so the night lasts longer and I am always left with sweet craving, desired and satisfied.
With this type of affair things simply unravel more naturally moment to moment as two people are completely vulnerable but comfortable at the same time.

Project – my life illustrated

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i want to sit down with you (F, the visionary graphic artist) and tell you my life in detail, chapter by chapter while you illustrate it.
perhaps it will just be an illustration for my wall, or a tattoo, or a pop up book or my book with words and phrases to accompany the illustrations but hopefully it will be all of these things….
and there will be a sequel because i’m not even 40 yet!
the first illustrations must be done before i am 40….

spicy hot salsa

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my heart is always in love and forever naive but wiser every day.

F-you were meant to be a one night stand. we salsa-ed hard and i adored how easy going and up for anything you were. you were so sweet about not being able to salsa and just making up the moves but continuing to dance energetically with me without any worries or cares. we jived so goddamn well, it was insanely sexy. you followed my lead and it was wild. but after when it came time to talk you seemed so nervous and unsure of yourself, you lacked major confidence except when it came to trying to get into my pants, ha! i had you so hot from dancing, you were all spiced up. when you spontaneously grabbed and lifted me so that i could wrap my legs around your waist i was in heaven. we kissed like this, i was in ecstasy. there was a lot of heavy hot petting happening and i enjoyed it so much. but i went home alone that night satisfied and leaving you with my number. a month later i suddenly had an unquenchable urge for sex with you. focused only on that i set it up. initially it was disappointing because you were so nervous and unsure of yourself but i appreciated listening to you speak about stuff and you seemed so intrigued by me.you look at me with intrigue in your eyes but nervous emotions. flirtations were feeble. when you held my hand i was heart broken-it felt so good, you must have been missing someone….
unfortunately there was no foreplay just some kissing and down to business in bed. i tried to get you to come round to a sensual rhythm but i wasn´t successful-i wish i had been more domineering, that is what you need. in my way i was in a rush to get with you too, i didn´t react to the subtle clues and opportunities for more flirting-like when you were looking at and commenting on my Eric Stanton book!
Sex felt uninspired. i know i could have spiced it up with a bit of direction and role playing-me as the dominatrix which is what you wanted and needed. i tried asking you what you like but you didn´t know. i got dry with you and that never happens. i was left wanting another chance to prove to you and myself the sex(y) vixen that i am……..
then in the morning you tried to escape but i tied you down a bit longer-oh so sweet and vulnerable. i love your presence. your vibe and warm smile melt me. you look like a man on the outside but are such a timid boy on the inside. i want to shake you up but learn from and remember what it is to be taking on the world for the first time. i want you to be my muse and love while i am your dominatrix. i want to be the lover you come to to feel at home in your own skin. i want to sustain you and i forever want to see that adoration in your eyes when you look at me.
come back, be in my life, let me be a piece of yours….
what i adore about you is your inherent openness to experience, the way you really go with the flow.you came into my life to help me grow and become strong, as i did you, now i need you back here to make that happen.

Best advice i´ve received:
give what you want to receive-love give love, romance give romance and “if there is no energy (response) then forget about it, move on.”
give without expectations or hopes for what you will receive, give from the heart because it is what you are feeling and then let it go.
don’t worry if the other person does not respond, maybe it is not a good time in his life to be with or respond to you no matter his level of interest in you.
don’t give someone else your power, you will lose energy and be nothing

As my mirror: you get nervous and insecure around people you look up to or like. you lose confidence to speak up but you like to be around them because it is comforting. your energy is so open and welcoming, you felt like me.

mirror

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i realised today after yoga class what has caused me such confusion about you – you are a total mirror for me. from the second i met you you have unknowingly challenged many issues within me. initially, like water settling after a ripple, i simply accepted my body-size, look, everything. then you pulled out the feminine in me, i don’t know why but just your presence (i think it is your masculinity) made me want to be more feminine and womanly. but all that positive also had a shadow side to it and you also confronted all of my insecurities about myself. i started to feel needy-i wanted to be validated as a woman by you. i wanted you to think i was beautiful like all your female friends on FB and comment to me they way you do when you like one  of their photos. i desperately needed you to see me as one of those women that you find so gorgeous and when you didn’t i felt hurt and not pretty, skinny, fun etc enough.-totally insecure. on the flip side i’ve been working on this neediness trying not to compare myself to anyone else and realising that loving myself and validating myself filling my time with things that give me pleasure from me has made me stronger. also realising that you did appreciate, admire and compliment me, it just wasn’t enough for me i needed more. i wanted to be THE best of them all instead of accepting and appreciating what you did say (which was lovely). now i know as long as my goddess is radiant and strong i can attract all sorts of men (and people) to me and have my pick and i could have done the same with you but i was impatient and needy. i also know that sometimes I won’t attract the man that I want, but that is ok too because like me we both have certain tastes. all those insecurities that you trudged up from me and brought to the surface were too much to face and handle all at once so again I freaked out, shut down our friendship and pushed you away-it was too heavy. i also mistook our connection, advanced it to the future and believed it was something more than the present moment hence all my confusion. yeesh, thanks!! what a powerful relationship in such a short time. what a blessing. the sex also mixed up the truth for me because we do actually have a deeper connection but those that run deep do not always mean love and partnership. it’s taken me since april to feel this out, what a relief! and thank you for the wisdom.