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i realised today after yoga class what has caused me such confusion about you – you are a total mirror for me. from the second i met you you have unknowingly challenged many issues within me. initially, like water settling after a ripple, i simply accepted my body-size, look, everything. then you pulled out the feminine in me, i don’t know why but just your presence (i think it is your masculinity) made me want to be more feminine and womanly. but all that positive also had a shadow side to it and you also confronted all of my insecurities about myself. i started to feel needy-i wanted to be validated as a woman by you. i wanted you to think i was beautiful like all your female friends on FB and comment to me they way you do when you like one  of their photos. i desperately needed you to see me as one of those women that you find so gorgeous and when you didn’t i felt hurt and not pretty, skinny, fun etc enough.-totally insecure. on the flip side i’ve been working on this neediness trying not to compare myself to anyone else and realising that loving myself and validating myself filling my time with things that give me pleasure from me has made me stronger. also realising that you did appreciate, admire and compliment me, it just wasn’t enough for me i needed more. i wanted to be THE best of them all instead of accepting and appreciating what you did say (which was lovely). now i know as long as my goddess is radiant and strong i can attract all sorts of men (and people) to me and have my pick and i could have done the same with you but i was impatient and needy. i also know that sometimes I won’t attract the man that I want, but that is ok too because like me we both have certain tastes. all those insecurities that you trudged up from me and brought to the surface were too much to face and handle all at once so again I freaked out, shut down our friendship and pushed you away-it was too heavy. i also mistook our connection, advanced it to the future and believed it was something more than the present moment hence all my confusion. yeesh, thanks!! what a powerful relationship in such a short time. what a blessing. the sex also mixed up the truth for me because we do actually have a deeper connection but those that run deep do not always mean love and partnership. it’s taken me since april to feel this out, what a relief! and thank you for the wisdom.

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