Monthly Archives: February 2015

this shift


sometimes it’s difficult to put feelings and situations into words especially when neither are acutely clear as you really need them to be because they both have to do with a person, a person you have considered family/a sister for many years and who also happens to be your work colleague.

I’ve come to this therapy session to find catharsis and logic before approaching K about it. I don’t know if the situation has just become extremely complicated in my head or if it actually is fairly big but I fear that bringing it up will create a distasteful reaction and possibly lead to a blow out. I wish that things could just go back to the way they were before to when I was certain about our relationship and friendship, before this massive shift that started overnight. Well actually it seems to coincide with K coming out about leaving Barcelona and Amelie’s arrival so I can’t quite pinpoint the moment but that’s not so important anymore what is is the reason why I am being pushed away, rejected, distanced….I feel like she is waiting for a reaction from me. Like she has intentionally created a wall between us and that she is no longer interested in spending any time with me outside of work. If feel like she keeps me around for work because at least she recognizes the value of my presence there but also because she knows I will take care of her and it’s easier to keep me than find someone else. I sense that I get on her nerves by the way she reacts to me often dismissing what I say where before she would engage in conversation and also by always maintaining the attention on her. I feel used as a sounding board by a very uninterested party. I was hurt when she didn’t come to my birthday or even try, when she stopped answering my text messages and now by her rude disregard towards me. It’s like she’s on some sort of ego trip and it’s aggressive. The general impression she gives me is if I would like to follow her around in praise of her I’m welcome to otherwise fuck off. And the way she thinks she can keep me satisfied, sweet, and distracted with cake and shitty coffee as if I’m a fucking dog being thrown a bone.

This is not the warm, caring, empathetic person I used to know. This is a cold hearted egotistical bitch. Actually through all this I see her in a different light all together, where she used to be so much more kind and friendly in general she has become aggressive, short tempered and rude.

I am torn between just letting go, even friendships have an expiry date sometimes, and telling her how I feel. Part of me thinks there are no words to give it, that it would be a waste of time talking about it because her actions make her intentions seem so obvious and as I’ve voiced my concern with no reaction from her I don’t think that my intuition is too far off the mark if at all but I will never know until I ask and at least then I would have closure and be able to let go easier. I mean she has even begun to belittle me as a doula (“don’t get the tea that’s what doulas are for”). She has done such a good job at being a jerk I don’t even want to see her but I will make an attempt to understand, maybe salvage our friendship or at least have closure. ………..

Fucking humans.


new perspective-mental transitions


recently a large fantasy and a few incidents lead me to my latest “awakening”.

the first few times i was on the set of a monster calls (December 2014) as an extra i noticed a man starring at me often. i could feel it from and distance and would look up to see him glaring. i once caught his glare and held it for a few seconds before feeling defeated and dropping my gaze-this rarely happens i usually win the stare down! i finished my work and left on the last day with longing and desire to know this person. i’d hoped that he would approach me because i did not (for once in my life) have the nerve to but alas he never did and some days after finishing i started to feel a desperate need to find him. i called the studio and asked anyone i could think of who might have any, remote even, connection to him but to no avail. so instead i decided to practice alchemy by knitting a scarf for him, creating a playlist of songs for us, buying some kinky underwear and often imagining us together doing various things. then one day out of the blue i was asked back to the set. i thought it was a sign, i thought it was a miracle a manifestation of all i had been trying to project. i was so damn excited and at the same time felt settled and at peace. the day came, i was on the set and begging the angels to put us in a situation where we could meet and talk. after lunch i walked around the corner and there he was standing alone in the only sunny spot outside the studio. i thought to myself shizer it’s going to have to be me isn’t it? so i approached. it was weak but an attempt and i even gave it a second attempt-two questions i asked neither of which were received with any interest. so i stood back and hung around in the sun until it went down and i went back inside. i felt rejected and let down, not so much by him but by the angels and universe! in reality what let me down was my own fantasy. i had built up such a future together with him in my head that when it didn’t fall into place i had a heavy heart. it happens often. it’s as if i need a face and figure to be able to believe that one day that is exactly what i will have. nothing wrong or unusual about that, it’s called a crush but what i more importantly realised was that while i was so focused on this one random guy i was missing all of the other opportunities around me like the other guy who smiling tried to strike up a conversation with me and then hung around….i paid no interest to that.

the thing is i get so focused on attracting one specific person and on my terms that i leave no room for spontaneity and what is meant to be-i shut out many an opportunity to try too hard to accomplish my preconceived idea of meeting a certain person.

so i intend to change this and open myself to allowing in, by welcoming and interacting with all opportunities that present themselves.

  • i will be more aware of what is happening in the present around me, offer it a warm and friendly smile without any expectations and enjoy the interaction without fixating on the outcome ❤

Full moon in Leo-week of February 03,2015


Aquarius & Aquarius Rising Full Moon Affirmation

I am lucky in love and I praise that luck by celebrating with all the hearts that hold me best. I am lucky in love and because this is true I give freely of my own supply. I am lucky in love and I create more of it by showing those around me how I wish to be treated. I am lucky in love because I give myself what I need where and when I need it.  

I am lucky to be so connected to myself. I am lucky to have been given this opportunity to know who I am, what I am capable of and I am so lucky to get to experience my divinity through loving others. I am reminded of my connection to all of life and although I do not suffer fools I remember that they are suffering themselves. 

I commit to the partners that come bearing gifts of common good. I spend time luxuriating in the healing practice of play with them. Passion is paramount during my playtime. Pleasure is too. I worship at the feet of fun and feel only justified in this journey of following my bliss. 

At the same time I acknowledge the deep journey of self discovery that I have been on. I take all the gems I have been given with me on my next go round the sun knowing full well that there are still a bevy of boons coming to me through all those that I am in partnership with. And to that I say yes please and thank you kindly.  

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