recently a large fantasy and a few incidents lead me to my latest “awakening”.
the first few times i was on the set of a monster calls (December 2014) as an extra i noticed a man starring at me often. i could feel it from and distance and would look up to see him glaring. i once caught his glare and held it for a few seconds before feeling defeated and dropping my gaze-this rarely happens i usually win the stare down! i finished my work and left on the last day with longing and desire to know this person. i’d hoped that he would approach me because i did not (for once in my life) have the nerve to but alas he never did and some days after finishing i started to feel a desperate need to find him. i called the studio and asked anyone i could think of who might have any, remote even, connection to him but to no avail. so instead i decided to practice alchemy by knitting a scarf for him, creating a playlist of songs for us, buying some kinky underwear and often imagining us together doing various things. then one day out of the blue i was asked back to the set. i thought it was a sign, i thought it was a miracle a manifestation of all i had been trying to project. i was so damn excited and at the same time felt settled and at peace. the day came, i was on the set and begging the angels to put us in a situation where we could meet and talk. after lunch i walked around the corner and there he was standing alone in the only sunny spot outside the studio. i thought to myself shizer it’s going to have to be me isn’t it? so i approached. it was weak but an attempt and i even gave it a second attempt-two questions i asked neither of which were received with any interest. so i stood back and hung around in the sun until it went down and i went back inside. i felt rejected and let down, not so much by him but by the angels and universe! in reality what let me down was my own fantasy. i had built up such a future together with him in my head that when it didn’t fall into place i had a heavy heart. it happens often. it’s as if i need a face and figure to be able to believe that one day that is exactly what i will have. nothing wrong or unusual about that, it’s called a crush but what i more importantly realised was that while i was so focused on this one random guy i was missing all of the other opportunities around me like the other guy who smiling tried to strike up a conversation with me and then hung around….i paid no interest to that.
the thing is i get so focused on attracting one specific person and on my terms that i leave no room for spontaneity and what is meant to be-i shut out many an opportunity to try too hard to accomplish my preconceived idea of meeting a certain person.
so i intend to change this and open myself to allowing in, by welcoming and interacting with all opportunities that present themselves.
- i will be more aware of what is happening in the present around me, offer it a warm and friendly smile without any expectations and enjoy the interaction without fixating on the outcome ❤