this shift

Standard

sometimes it’s difficult to put feelings and situations into words especially when neither are acutely clear as you really need them to be because they both have to do with a person, a person you have considered family/a sister for many years and who also happens to be your work colleague.

I’ve come to this therapy session to find catharsis and logic before approaching K about it. I don’t know if the situation has just become extremely complicated in my head or if it actually is fairly big but I fear that bringing it up will create a distasteful reaction and possibly lead to a blow out. I wish that things could just go back to the way they were before to when I was certain about our relationship and friendship, before this massive shift that started overnight. Well actually it seems to coincide with K coming out about leaving Barcelona and Amelie’s arrival so I can’t quite pinpoint the moment but that’s not so important anymore what is is the reason why I am being pushed away, rejected, distanced….I feel like she is waiting for a reaction from me. Like she has intentionally created a wall between us and that she is no longer interested in spending any time with me outside of work. If feel like she keeps me around for work because at least she recognizes the value of my presence there but also because she knows I will take care of her and it’s easier to keep me than find someone else. I sense that I get on her nerves by the way she reacts to me often dismissing what I say where before she would engage in conversation and also by always maintaining the attention on her. I feel used as a sounding board by a very uninterested party. I was hurt when she didn’t come to my birthday or even try, when she stopped answering my text messages and now by her rude disregard towards me. It’s like she’s on some sort of ego trip and it’s aggressive. The general impression she gives me is if I would like to follow her around in praise of her I’m welcome to otherwise fuck off. And the way she thinks she can keep me satisfied, sweet, and distracted with cake and shitty coffee as if I’m a fucking dog being thrown a bone.

This is not the warm, caring, empathetic person I used to know. This is a cold hearted egotistical bitch. Actually through all this I see her in a different light all together, where she used to be so much more kind and friendly in general she has become aggressive, short tempered and rude.

I am torn between just letting go, even friendships have an expiry date sometimes, and telling her how I feel. Part of me thinks there are no words to give it, that it would be a waste of time talking about it because her actions make her intentions seem so obvious and as I’ve voiced my concern with no reaction from her I don’t think that my intuition is too far off the mark if at all but I will never know until I ask and at least then I would have closure and be able to let go easier. I mean she has even begun to belittle me as a doula (“don’t get the tea that’s what doulas are for”). She has done such a good job at being a jerk I don’t even want to see her but I will make an attempt to understand, maybe salvage our friendship or at least have closure. ………..

Fucking humans.

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