Pancho when you left you broke my heart. i cried long and hard after we said goodbye and i dreamed about you for weeks after. you were the one that got away. i fell in love with your spontaneity, curiosity and kindness. i was in love with you but when you left i never thought i´d see you again. now that i have i wonder why the universe made that happen. finally i think i may understand. i think it was so that i could see you one more (+) time(s) before i leave europe. maybe you needed to see me….? i don´t want you to take this as a scary responsibility but i love you. i still do. for me love is energy that appears in many forms between souls. souls that are always connected despite distance, that is the strength of love and the heart. wherever i go in this world i will always take you with me. my heart sees the love in you and my soul sees your beauty.
you asked me if you were good (in bed) and at the time i wanted to slap you for being so insecure and pathetic, here is my answer:
you were mechanical. you fucked me through an impenetrable protective shield. i was unsure if it was because you wanted to make clear to me that you were not interested or if that is just the way you are, cold, distant, protected, desperate. you were difficult to get near physically despite us being naked in the same bed, emotionally and verbally!! i sensed a sort of desperation, confusion, insecurity from you. in short sex was horrible. it was awful mechanical movement of two bodies without any sensuality. a total shock after the sparks that flew between us when dancing. your head and your heart were/are not aligned. your heart was not in it so you shouldn’t have been there.
when i said relax i meant let go, open yourself, enjoy. whether you were afraid or intentional doesn’t matter the truth is that you will never make love until you learn to love what you are making. you must allow a connection to happen, you must open yourself to permitting the other person into your energetic space so that juices can flow. you must be strong and mature enough to know that consensual sex can be an agreement for just that and still be an emotional, vulnerable experience. if you don’t let your guard down and learn to receive as well as give without rushing you will never feel the depth of an orgasm. it is a gift but one you must earn-let feminine energy intertwine with your masculine energy, then you will be a man.
i am totally fucking perplexed. my roommate spends the vast majority of her days in a cloud of uncertainty, insecurity and despair. she is 31 years old, beautiful, on sabbatical with nursing and midwifery studies and experience, the possibility to work and earn well anywhere in the world, money to spare, a boyfriend and the world is her oyster yet her entire life according to her is a problem. rather than show gratitude she is always questioning, doubting and complaining about everything. she rarely laughs or cracks a joke and although very well intentioned and kind hearted seems full of negative thoughts. she´s always down and comparing herself to others, in short she seems totally lost yet totally amazing and cool things just fall into her lap. no wonder i´m so overwhelmed and fed up with living together. she reminds me of krishinda and all the complaining, when it suits her, that she does. boring, but it seems to be working for them. i bow my head in gratitude everyday. i challenge myself everyday to be happy, in fact i have worked damn hard for it, i work to create the life i want to live, i try fucking hard to stay, be and radiate positive energy everyday and avoid vain glorious complaining. i ask the universe and angels for help and i try not to allow too much doubt to seep in. i do yoga, meditate, swim, whatever i need to to conscientiously stay centered and i don´t know, somehow i feel like if i let go of all that my life would fall to shit. that if i started complaining all the time then that would become my reality. i suppose for all my self work and intention i am happier/healthier than her??? it seems unfair that all the option are thrown at her for free!!! i do not aspire to be like her, in fact i think the energy has already rubbed off on me too much, but what am i doing wrong, what do i need to change?
we are coming up to a new super moon eclipse. it has been an intense month already and i don’t know if i can take anymore highly charged astronomical energy! to top it off i have had M living with me for a month and a half now. initially i was ecstatic about this, cherishing our long philosophical conversations until they started to become a weight rather than and enjoyment. they went from sharing ideas to me nursing her wounds and finally to me just avoiding them all together. she over thinks everything. everything is such a heavy duty issue for her. she seems more filled with negativity and strife than anything else. she is extremely intense always, it’s practically impossible to have a light hearted conversation with her. i respect her struggle but it is far too much for me to live with. i realise the level of my sensitivity when i live with someone. unwillingly i seem to take on their energy and crap to such an overwhelming degree. lesson-do not allow it in, fight to stay positive and happy. i prefer my space and solitude for this very reason (until i meet the person i am compatible with). i don’t want to fight to be positive and happy in my own home, it is the one place i don’t have to do that. the one place i can just BE without interference. ah the importance of choosing with surgical precision who we allow into our energetic fields. i love maria, in fact initially i thought she was my twin sister soul but she’s just turned out to be a real over analytical complainer that drains the shit out of me! she has a good heart and is a kind soul she is just not someone i should live with. i am starting to understand how seeing some friends irregularly is the best option for maintaining a healthy relationship. in fact at this present moment, in barcelona, i cannot really think of one person i would want to spend more than a day with at a time!! well krishinda when it comes to work and on occasion another friend or two but man we really do all come with our baggage and (sometimes unbearable) quirks! is this a sign of age? my tolerance for humans, including my friends, is waning and sometimes i worry about it. will i ever find a partner with this attitude?!!
i wonder if my personality or attitude does something to repel guys? is it something i say? they way i behave? the way i speak, my outlook on life or what that leads them to not continue communication with me? it can’t just be me can it? why can’t i even seem to create friendships with them? what is the problem? it’s been bothering me, as soon as i think i have a possible new male friend, we go for tea and i never hear from him again! i don’t understand. do i lack something, am i not good friendship/relationship material? am i boring?
i’ve been thinking a lot about franko lately. i accidentally friend requested him on FB and haven’t been able to get him off my mind since i stalked his page!! again i consider the potential friendship and wonder what i said/did or didn’t do for him not to respond to me. i wonder often if the things he said to me were sincere or sarcastic, because i noted both tones. i wonder how he felt about me and if my perception of him being insecure, nervous and a little desperate was accurate. i wonder if he thinks about me. i wonder if i will ever get the chance to see him again and have all these questions answered…….one thing all this curiosity has taught me is to be more present in the moment, not let it slip away so that you are left wondering! i am working on it. it’s curious how quickly peoples energy rubs off on me. my encounter with franko felt kinda desperate in general. i didn’t take my time with sensuality and intimacy like i normally do. he was very cold and mechanical, and again i wonder if that was intentional to keep me at bay or just his sexual ignorance!
speaking of intimacy and desperation i am pretty desperate for some intimacy. today maria asked me “but what do i mean by intimacy?” i mean physical and emotional closeness with the opposite sex. i need it. i am aware that i need it but i don’t know how to get it just the way i need it. i’m frustrated. i long for it, i need it for my own health and i am at a loss for finding it. my soul urgently needs it. just to be lovingly touched, to connect,to kiss, to converse, to laugh and make love with sincerity. i think i was a priestess in a former life. a long for a man to care for and nurture while he nourishes my femininity, empowers and adores me. why is that so difficult? why is it that so many people who can’t handle intimacy have it at hand? i am prepared to give and receive, is there any chance on this planet that there is a taker (and giver) carajo!!
the city is a strangler. for all it’s opportunities to reinvent yourself, meet an immense diversity of people, participate in any activity you can possibly think of, party, learn, play etc it still feels like a rut. like a vicious circle that one is running around inside of, a hamster in a wheel and as much as I feel I am learning, evolving and expanding my soul on a daily basis I am part of a well planned routine that earns me just enough money to live here. when I step outside of myself and see the bigger picture I see a hamster itching to jump out of it’s wheel (comfort zone) but not knowing how. within my bubble I have done a lot of growing. I am proud of my accomplishments and I have not intention of discarding forever all that I have achieved rather allowing it to take me to the next step because I am starting to feel limited. I feel like the things that I want or thought I wanted (a husband, kids, committed relationship) aren’t available to me but something else somewhere else is…….
I am feeding myself with food to fill my loneliness and desire for intimate masculine/feminine connection but what if I turned that void within me into passion, no fear freedom, focus and a personal goal that does not involve anybody else? maybe I am trying to hard, maybe I am wanting too much, maybe I am not meant to have those things………….maybe my real hunger is for knowledge, movement, travel, adventure, observation, understanding……….
these past couple of days it’s become clear to me at the most intrinsic cellular level that i am in love with Jose. in love in the sense of I just can’t explain the depth of where this sensation arises from and at the same time it seems so obvious. i don’t feel it in my eyes, or in my heart, or ego or touch, I feel it all over right down to the fibers of my body and the energy of my soul. I think we have a special kind of energetic communication that I have never experience with anyone before. it speaks between us. I hate him for rejecting a chance together. I could never tell him any of this because it would enlarge his ego and just give him more reason to reject me. It’s almost as if without expressing verbally these sensations and feelings our relationship has settled into a beautiful place in which the space between us allows the connection to continue. It makes me sad.
It’s time for me to experience outside my comfort zone. It’s time for adventure and more growth. It’s time for me to go on a trip and travel to places foreign to me, into the unknown….