the city is a strangler. for all it’s opportunities to reinvent yourself, meet an immense diversity of people, participate in any activity you can possibly think of, party, learn, play etc it still feels like a rut. like a vicious circle that one is running around inside of, a hamster in a wheel and as much as I feel I am learning, evolving and expanding my soul on a daily basis I am part of a well planned routine that earns me just enough money to live here. when I step outside of myself and see the bigger picture I see a hamster itching to jump out of it’s wheel (comfort zone) but not knowing how. within my bubble I have done a lot of growing. I am proud of my accomplishments and I have not intention of discarding forever all that I have achieved rather allowing it to take me to the next step because I am starting to feel limited. I feel like the things that I want or thought I wanted (a husband, kids, committed relationship) aren’t available to me but something else somewhere else is…….
I am feeding myself with food to fill my loneliness and desire for intimate masculine/feminine connection but what if I turned that void within me into passion, no fear freedom, focus and a personal goal that does not involve anybody else? maybe I am trying to hard, maybe I am wanting too much, maybe I am not meant to have those things………….maybe my real hunger is for knowledge, movement, travel, adventure, observation, understanding……….
these past couple of days it’s become clear to me at the most intrinsic cellular level that i am in love with Jose. in love in the sense of I just can’t explain the depth of where this sensation arises from and at the same time it seems so obvious. i don’t feel it in my eyes, or in my heart, or ego or touch, I feel it all over right down to the fibers of my body and the energy of my soul. I think we have a special kind of energetic communication that I have never experience with anyone before. it speaks between us. I hate him for rejecting a chance together. I could never tell him any of this because it would enlarge his ego and just give him more reason to reject me. It’s almost as if without expressing verbally these sensations and feelings our relationship has settled into a beautiful place in which the space between us allows the connection to continue. It makes me sad.
It’s time for me to experience outside my comfort zone. It’s time for adventure and more growth. It’s time for me to go on a trip and travel to places foreign to me, into the unknown….