mental march-2015


we are coming up to a new super moon eclipse. it has been an intense month already and i don’t know if i can take anymore highly charged astronomical energy! to top it off i have had M living with me for a month and a half now. initially i was ecstatic about this, cherishing our long philosophical conversations until they started to become a weight rather than and enjoyment. they went from sharing ideas to me nursing her wounds and finally to me just avoiding them all together. she over thinks everything. everything is such a heavy duty issue for her. she seems more filled with negativity and strife than anything else. she is extremely intense always, it’s practically impossible to have a light hearted conversation with her. i respect her struggle but it is far too much for me to live with. i realise the level of my sensitivity when i live with someone. unwillingly i seem to take on their energy and crap to such an overwhelming degree. lesson-do not allow it in, fight to stay positive and happy. i prefer my space and solitude for this very reason (until i meet the person i am compatible with). i don’t want to fight to be positive and happy in my own home, it is the one place i don’t have to do that. the one place i can just BE without interference. ah the importance of choosing with surgical precision who we allow into our energetic fields. i love maria, in fact initially i thought she was my twin sister soul but she’s just turned out to be a real over analytical complainer that drains the shit out of me! she has a good heart and is a kind soul she is just not someone i should live with. i am starting to understand how seeing some friends irregularly is the best option for maintaining a healthy relationship. in fact at this present moment, in barcelona, i cannot really think of one person i would want to spend more than a day with at a time!! well krishinda when it comes to work and on occasion another friend or two but man we really do all come with our baggage and (sometimes unbearable) quirks! is this a sign of age? my tolerance for humans, including my friends, is waning and sometimes i worry about it. will i ever find a partner with this attitude?!!

i wonder if my personality or attitude does something to repel guys? is it something i say? they way i behave? the way i speak, my outlook on life or what that leads them to not continue communication with me? it can’t just be me can it? why can’t i even seem to create friendships with them? what is the problem? it’s been bothering me, as soon as i think i have a possible new male friend, we go for tea and i never hear from him again! i don’t understand. do i lack something, am i not good friendship/relationship material? am i boring?

i’ve been thinking a lot about franko lately. i accidentally friend requested him on FB and haven’t been able to get him off my mind since i stalked his page!! again i consider the potential friendship and wonder what i said/did or didn’t do for him not to respond to me. i wonder often if the things he said to me were sincere or sarcastic, because i noted both tones. i wonder how he felt about me and if my perception of him being insecure, nervous and a little desperate was accurate. i wonder if he thinks about me. i wonder if i will ever get the chance to see him again and have all these questions answered…….one thing all this curiosity has taught me is to be more present in the  moment, not let it slip away so that you are left wondering! i am working on it. it’s curious how quickly peoples energy rubs off on me. my encounter with franko felt kinda desperate in general. i didn’t take my time with sensuality and intimacy like i normally do. he was very cold and mechanical, and again i wonder if that was intentional to keep me at bay or just his sexual ignorance!

speaking of intimacy and desperation i am pretty desperate for some intimacy. today maria asked me “but what do i mean by intimacy?” i mean physical and emotional closeness with the opposite sex. i need it. i am aware that i need it but i don’t know how to get it just the way i need it. i’m frustrated. i long for it, i need it for my own health and i am at a loss for finding it. my soul urgently needs it. just to be lovingly touched, to connect,to kiss, to converse, to laugh and make love with sincerity. i think i was a priestess in a former life. a long for a man to care for and nurture while he nourishes my femininity, empowers and adores me. why is that so difficult? why is it that so many people who can’t handle intimacy have it at hand? i am prepared to give and receive, is there any chance on this planet that there is a taker (and giver) carajo!!


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