reminder that this is what i’m looking for
P contacted me out of the great blue yonder at the beginning of the month. it may even have been april fools day! but his communication was real and so was his intention to see me. we met for dinner and it was one of the most wonderful moments i’d felt in a while. that one where something is completed, where you just can’t stop thanking the universe and that one where you realise that actually you eventually do get everything you ask for! now a month later he is back for four days and staying with me. we are having a sort of Anais Nin and Henry Miller affair. Our reunion has really lead me to believe, now with evidence, the power of energy and the heart. in 10 years i think i thought about him three times. i was devastated when he told me he was leaving ecuador for spain especially after i’d just fallen in love with him. well i don’t know if it was love, lust, infatuation or what but i just wanted to be around him. i felt at home with him. i felt eternally protected and cared for. i just kind of lost myself when i was with him in the most childish and intrinsic way. it was liberating. i never felt like i had to try, chase or give too much. we always just met somewhere between the present moments and our souls. everything he did was so from the heart, a good, kind, respectful heart. he was open and a safe place to rest at night. nothing was ever a big deal rather a new step. and when he said goodbye to me in ecuador it was the same, it wasn’t indifference, nor was it a cut off, it just was. he maintained contact with me for a while. calling occassionally and writing beautiful letters. i had turned the page, albeit leafed, pretty quickly on that chapter because i’d gotten back together with stu just before pancho left and i was very consumed with our renewed lust for each. unfortunately i know i made the wrong choice. stu, ironically one of the best people i know, was my biggest ever mistake. i regret not listening to my heart when it was urging me that being with stu in ecuador was not the right situation for me. but i persisted believing that love could conquer all. it was misguided love, forced, habitual, immature. eleni was the one who made me see that i was at the mercy of stu. that i had no autonomy and i was not my full self. after i split with stu (our first year in spain) i spiraled into a life of loneliness, survival, vulnerability, naivety, heartbreak, happiness, truth, awareness, growth, sexuality, and beginnings. for the first time in my life i was getting to know myself. i was learning my boundaries, hearing my true voice and connecting with something bigger than myself. all of these things, this living life, i never did with stu because i was too busy giving myself to him and making sure that our relationship would last. in these past 5 years at some point i started to check out pancho’s facebook page. i wondered about him and his life. now i am sure it was then that the connection was made again. although it has taken this long for it to come to fruition, i think in some metaphysical way my heart called out to him and he responded. in ecuador i remember him being a young boy totally smitten when we met, as if he didn’t know what had just hit him (or better said danced salsa with him!) but now he is a man, an incredibly mature and kind man. in fact he is the exact kind of man i would like to find, rise in love with and have a family.
last night i crawled into his bed and asked him “what makes a guy decide when a girl is the one.” he said three things that impacted me: he didn’t think he’d made a decision, he knew he wanted to continue the rest of his life with this person because he’d lost himself. she had accepted all of him without judgement. he fell in love with her because she was such and independent person. he also said to me that i didn’t see how special i was. he feels that i am always searching for something….and the third thing that has quite possibly changed my life forever is that after a near death experience and searching/asking for so many years what his purpose in life was he decided he didn’t have one, that he just loved to live and that is what he has been doing ever since-living. apparently he chose to cheat on his life partner with me because he trusts me but i think it is more. he still has feelings for me. he always has but now after 10 years he was ready to have a reprise. he was ready because as he said “he is feeling so good in his life.” one of the first things i felt on his first night here was that he wanted to prove something to me. i don’t mean it in an egocentric way, i think he just wanted the opportunity to show me the man that he has become. when he told me he didn’t want to hurt me i told him not to worry i wasn’t falling in love with him. but the truth be known i do love him. i love his essence as a man and eternally appreciate his presence in my life. near or far.
April 13, 2015
Aquarius & Aquarius Rising: We start this week with an Aquarius Moon that makes alignments with Mars (action) and Jupiter (restrictions). Do you still feel the argumentative streak, with Uranus in your house of communication? Maybe Mercury moving into Taurus on Tuesday will help.
The great benevolent planet Jupiter turned direct last week in your house of marriage and committed partnerships. Since early December, the good luck planet has been retrograde and you have been dealing with struggles in your most intimate relationship, or had issues with someone from your past, or if you’re single there hasn’t been a lot of excitement on the love front. That will all turn around now, Aquarius. Until August, Jupiter will be in Leo and you’ll be able to get insight and strengthen your closest relationships.
Pluto, the transformer, turns retrograde in Capricorn this week in your most mystical house of sorrows, karma, and psychic powers. Pluto is here until September, and for these next months you’ll undergo a tremendous transformation, dealing with intense fears and anxieties, very old baggage, and revisiting disappointments and self-defeat. I recommend regular check-ins with your astrologer, therapist, and herbalist, as well as recommitting to your sadhana or spiritual practice. Surrender into your mystical practices and be extremely spacious with yourself and your process. You’re growing and being initiated in a cosmic way right now.
*Your flower essence recommendation this week: Rescue Remedy (Bach), to assist your process and ease anxiety.
i have a dream for my life and i will accomplish it.
it goes like this, in no particular order. i want to study (massage therapy and waldorf/steiner method). integrating all my knowledge and experience i want stable work that pays well (yoga/doula/massage therapist/teacher). i want to get married to the right man and have his child(ren). i want to be a part of my family again and be able to see them a minimum of once a year (more ideally). i want to live outside of a city far enough that i am surrounded by nature and feel isolated from it but close enough that i still have a connection and can pop into the city when i need a fix or to work. i want to travel often.
that is my dream.
right now i am not living ANY of it. in fact for the past five years i have not been living any of it but i have been growing and discovering what i want, my desires, likes and dislikes and working towards my dreams. i must stay on track.