one decade later, a life changer


P contacted me out of the great blue yonder at the beginning of the month. it may even have been april fools day! but his communication was real and so was his intention to see me. we met for dinner and it was one of the most wonderful moments i’d felt in a while. that one where something is completed, where you just can’t stop thanking the universe and that one where you realise that actually you eventually do get everything you ask for! now a month later he is back for four days and staying with me. we are having a sort of Anais Nin and Henry Miller affair. Our reunion has really lead me to believe, now with evidence, the power of energy and the heart. in 10 years i think i thought about him three times. i was devastated when he told me he was leaving ecuador for spain especially after i’d just fallen in love with him. well i don’t know if it was love, lust, infatuation or what but i just wanted to be around him. i felt at home with him. i felt eternally protected and cared for. i just kind of lost myself when i was with him in the most childish and intrinsic way. it was liberating. i never felt like i had to try, chase or give too much. we always just met somewhere between the present moments and our souls. everything he did was so from the heart, a good, kind, respectful heart. he was open and a safe place to rest at night. nothing was ever a big deal rather a new step. and when he said goodbye to me in ecuador it was the same, it wasn’t indifference, nor was it a cut off, it just was. he maintained contact with me for a while. calling occassionally and writing beautiful letters. i had turned the page, albeit leafed, pretty quickly on that chapter because i’d gotten back together with stu just before pancho left and i was very consumed with our renewed lust for each. unfortunately i know i made the wrong choice. stu, ironically one of the best people i know, was my biggest ever mistake. i regret not listening to my heart when it was urging me that being with stu in ecuador was not the right situation for me. but i persisted believing that love could conquer all. it was misguided love, forced, habitual, immature. eleni was the one who made me see that i was at the mercy of stu. that i had no autonomy and i was not my full self. after i split with stu (our first year in spain) i spiraled into a life of loneliness, survival, vulnerability, naivety, heartbreak, happiness, truth, awareness, growth, sexuality, and beginnings. for the first time in my life i was getting to know myself. i was learning my boundaries, hearing my true voice and connecting with something bigger than myself. all of these things, this living life, i never did with stu because i was too busy giving myself to him and making sure that our relationship would last. in these past 5 years at some point i started to check out pancho’s facebook page. i wondered about him and his life. now i am sure it was then that the connection was made again. although it has taken this long for it to come to fruition, i think in some metaphysical way my heart called out to him and he responded. in ecuador i remember him being a young boy totally smitten when we met, as if he didn’t know what had just hit him (or better said danced salsa with him!) but now he is a man, an incredibly mature and kind man. in fact he is the exact kind of man i would like to find, rise in love with and have a family.

last night i crawled into his bed and asked him “what makes a guy decide when a girl is the one.” he said three things that impacted me: he didn’t think he’d made a decision, he knew he wanted to continue the rest of his life with this person because he’d lost himself. she had accepted all of him without judgement. he fell in love with her because she was such and independent person. he also said to me that i didn’t see how special i was. he feels that i am always searching for something….and the third thing that has quite possibly changed my life forever is that after a near death experience and searching/asking for so many years what his purpose in life was he decided he didn’t have one, that he just loved to live and that is what he has been doing ever since-living. apparently he chose to cheat on his life partner with me because he trusts me but i think it is more. he still has feelings for me. he always has but now after 10 years he was ready to have a reprise. he was ready because as he said “he is feeling so good in his life.” one of the first things i felt on his first night here was that he wanted to prove something to me. i don’t mean it in an egocentric way, i think he just wanted the opportunity to show me the man that he has become. when he told me he didn’t want to hurt me i told him not to worry i wasn’t falling in love with him. but the truth be known i do love him. i love his essence as a man and eternally appreciate his presence in my life. near or far.

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