i love my father to bits he has treated me like a queen since the day i was born. cared for me, protected me, supported and loved me. he’s always been there for me and continues to be yet i cannot seems to accept him. i snap, i am sharp and impatient with his little demands that only bring him joy. so i fear when i say i love him it is false if i cannot accept him once and for all and stop being so hostile towards him. i wish i could be better. i am trying. i need to take more deep breaths and dive in with abandon to his whims rather than fighting them and arguing against them. i want to put my energy into showing my love by accepting him rather than pushing him away and fighting it.
why do i argue? why don’t i entertain his whims without fear that i will encourage him? what stops me from engaging with abandon?
sometimes i want to cry for the disrespect i show my father and how he takes it, never arguing back. he never gets upset he just accepts it. i make myself feel like a dickhead. i want to make this right with myself because i want my father to know that when i say i love him with words it is real because i also show it with actions.
recently after a twisted short lived something with B i’ve been reflecting on myself and personality. how do i come across? how much of myself that i put out into the world do i like? am i happy with how i treat men?! is there anything wrong with the way i treat men?
i guess all this stemmed from B suddenly telling me to lay off for being upfront and confrontational with him about his own behavior-texting for a booty call and then disappearing for over an hour before responding to my response. when i bring his attention to the fact that that behavior is disrespectful he told me to lay off. i began to reflect on how i have treated our connection since i met him. well, nothing excuses that kind of rude behavior but i have concluded that rather than be aggressively confrontational in what was an attempt to express how i prefer him to treat me because i was trying to control the situation into the way i wanted it to be (a respectful friends with benefits relationship in which we knew each other) i could have chosen to just move on because i wasn’t receiving the respect and mutual effort i wanted from him. rather than trying to control the relationship with him i could have left it, let if flow more organically and just observed where that lead. i after-all chose who i say yes or no to.
i see now where i get sort of excited and desperate. i knew he was attracted to me and interested especially after the first night we met for drinks. but from there i built an objective in my fantasies and tried too hard to create that in reality with him. i thought if i communicated directly we would be on the same page. i always neglect to give time to things unraveling naturally. i neglect to allow something to develop and grow rather than chase and force it. somewhere in my subconscious i believe if i don’t continually demonstrate my interest an opportunity may be missed. everything was fine up until after our first night together. i gave him my phone number – that was a great move, he called and showed how he felt. after that i got too eager.
how did i force it?
- after our first night together i wrote to him a couple of days later believing i should because he wouldn’t – perhaps his rhythm is a lot slower than mine, or perhaps he wouldn’t have written
- i then proceeded to text him every other day expressing my interest in seeing him again – again not allowing enough time to pass, not allowing him to come to me (or not)
- each time i contacted him i had an image in my mind of exactly how this relationship would unfold
- when i felt like he wasn’t telling me the truth (“sorry your message got buried. my phone does this thing where it doesn’t show new messages”) i got on his case pretty hard. i could have left it at his “sorry”
- after we had sex i texted him first about two days later. i should have just left it.
at the end of the day i feel like rather than femininely flowing and accepting what was or wasn’t day by day i built this up too much and got needy. what should have remained fun and light hearted got personal to me too fast and unnecessarily. i feel bad about it. i feel like i objectified this guy even if he doesn’t know that. i feel like that is also the reason i was so controlling. when i looked back at myself i almost see a quite arrogant girl. i also feel sad because now i think he just dislikes me 😦
equally i have learned that knowing my boundaries and recognizing when to respect them is extremely important. i don’t have to impose them on the other person, i just have to respect them myself. if the other person is interested they will come to me when they are ready regardless of my silence. when some rapport is established it is easier to explain your needs and boundaries to someone. i think i have also learned that a mans rhythm is vastly different to a woman’s and it is important to cruise with it and also not care so much. men seem to need time to know what they want to say and how they want to approach. i tend to put too much importance on one person immediately when i should be juggling all sorts of interests and men!
if i want to be more feminine and attract a great masculine man i feel i’ve got let go and accept more. soften and flow. i can do this without losing integrity, dignity or self-respect if i will just maintain my strength in my limits and boundaries and speak my mind/truth but from a compassionate place that doesn’t offend but simply demonstrates what my boundaries are.
i think what i’m feeling around me since i got back to Toronto is superficiality. people are stupid and shallow. wrapped up in their tiny lives that revolve around the telephone, apps, work, television etc. it’s difficult to have a conversation with a person like that. from the largest to the most minute issue they break down, it becomes a drama, they can’t give energy to anything else but that issue and the feelings that are aroused by it.
today i went to Day of The Dead celebrations at the Brickworks. as i walked around the pavilion observing and absorbing the general atmosphere i was reminded of Ecuador and Spain-latin culture.
i was able to define differences in north american culture compared to latin. we are so wrapped up in success and engaged predominantly with ourselves that we miss the important little things, we forget to appreciate and let opportunities for happiness that are staring us right in the face escape. we don’t dance or sing enough. we don’t feel and express joy enough and we certainly don’t express enough. i guess it feels like in north america the default is to hide. well that is true for many people anywhere of course. however watching the Mexican folkloric dance i was reminded that it’s tradition in Latin culture and those that are more connected to Pacha Mama to dance and sing when they are sad, happy, joyful, regretful, depressed or any other strong emotion. this is a beautiful and very successful default cure all. success to the west is measured by material possessions and status in society. it is true to many latin cultures as well but traditionally success is measured by good times surrounded by loved ones-family and friends sharing emotions (sorrows, happiness, milestones). all emotions are celebrated equally. wow! don’t give importance to one over the other because they are all equal.
i guess my revelation was in part that all emotions are the same, you can’t have one without the other so why not be grateful for each and everyone of them equally therefor sadness doesn’t have the option to outweigh happiness both are part of a balanced life. and when we feel, but really truly feel on this level then everyday life can be more profound, exalted and expansive.
the loneliness and the sadness won’t stick around long when we know how to find happiness waiting around the corner.