i love my father to bits he has treated me like a queen since the day i was born. cared for me, protected me, supported and loved me. he’s always been there for me and continues to be yet i cannot seems to accept him. i snap, i am sharp and impatient with his little demands that only bring him joy. so i fear when i say i love him it is false if i cannot accept him once and for all and stop being so hostile towards him. i wish i could be better. i am trying. i need to take more deep breaths and dive in with abandon to his whims rather than fighting them and arguing against them. i want to put my energy into showing my love by accepting him rather than pushing him away and fighting it.

why do i argue? why don’t i entertain his whims without fear that i will encourage him? what stops me from engaging with abandon?

sometimes i want to cry for the disrespect i show my father and how he takes it, never arguing back. he never gets upset he just accepts it. i make myself feel like a dickhead. i want to make this right with myself because i want my father to know that when i say i love him with words it is real because i also show it with actions.

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