another lesson-thanks B

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recently after a twisted short lived something with B i’ve been reflecting on myself and personality. how do i come across? how much of myself that i put out into the world do i like? am i happy with how i treat men?! is there anything wrong with the way i treat men?

i guess all this stemmed from B suddenly telling me to lay off for being upfront and confrontational with him about his own behavior-texting for a booty call and then disappearing for over an hour before responding to my response. when i bring his attention to the fact that that behavior is disrespectful he told me to lay off. i began to reflect on how i have treated our connection since i met him. well, nothing excuses that kind of rude behavior but i have concluded that rather than be aggressively confrontational in what was an attempt to express how i prefer him to treat me because i was trying to control the situation into the way i wanted it to be (a respectful friends with benefits relationship in which we knew each other) i could have chosen to just move on because i wasn’t receiving the respect and mutual effort i wanted from him. rather than trying to control the relationship with him i could have left it, let if flow more organically and just observed where that lead. i after-all chose who i say yes or no to.

i see now where i get sort of excited and desperate. i knew he was attracted to me and interested especially after the first night we met for drinks. but from there i built an objective in my fantasies and tried too hard to create that in reality with him. i thought if i communicated directly we would be on the same page. i always neglect to give time to things unraveling naturally. i neglect to allow something to develop and grow rather than chase and force it. somewhere in my subconscious i believe if i don’t continually demonstrate my interest an opportunity may be missed. everything was fine up until after our first night together. i gave him my phone number – that was a great move, he called and showed how he felt. after that i got too eager.

how did i force it?

  • after our first night together i wrote to him a couple of days later believing i should because he wouldn’t – perhaps his rhythm is a lot slower than mine, or perhaps he wouldn’t have written
  • i then proceeded to text him every other day expressing my interest in seeing him again – again not allowing enough time to pass, not allowing him to come to me (or not)
  • each time i contacted him i had an image in my mind of exactly how this relationship would unfold
  • when i felt like he wasn’t telling me the truth (“sorry your message got buried. my phone does this thing where it doesn’t show new messages”) i got on his case pretty hard. i could have left it at his “sorry”
  • after we had sex i texted him first about two days later. i should have just left it.

at the end of the day i feel like rather than femininely flowing and accepting what was or wasn’t day by day i built this up too much and got needy. what should have remained fun and light hearted got personal to me too fast and unnecessarily. i feel bad about it. i feel like i objectified this guy even if he doesn’t know that. i feel like that is also the reason i was so controlling. when i looked back at myself i almost see a quite arrogant girl. i also feel sad because now i think he just dislikes me 😦

equally i have learned that knowing my boundaries and recognizing when to respect them is extremely important. i don’t have to impose them on the other person, i just have to respect them myself. if the other person is interested they will come to me when they are ready regardless of my silence. when some rapport is established it is easier to explain your needs and boundaries to someone. i think i have also learned that a mans rhythm is vastly different to a woman’s and it is important to cruise with it and also not care so much. men seem to need time to know what they want to say and how they want to approach. i tend to put too much importance on one person immediately when i should be juggling all sorts of interests and men!

if i want to be more feminine and attract a great masculine man i feel i’ve got let go and accept more. soften and flow. i can do this without losing integrity, dignity or self-respect if i will just maintain my strength in my limits and boundaries and speak my mind/truth but from a compassionate place that doesn’t offend but simply demonstrates what my boundaries are.

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