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EG. I like. I still hope to hear from him again despite the long silence. I met E at HiLo’s bar. It was my first time there and my first time out with a gang for some fun in a long time. Gladys and I met with Adrian and Tim there. This is a strange detail but I wore my black negligee dress with fluorescent bra showing from underneath. When I was deciding what shoes to wear I chose my converse because they had fluorescent highlights in them and I figured the contrast of sexy and street was cute! It turns out the trainers would be an important detail later on in the night….

The four of us parked ourselves at the end of the bar and got into some convo. I was chatting with my bro when a cute guy sat next to him at the bar. He sat there alone and content reading on his phone. He rarely looked up from the phone, almost ambivalent to the atmosphere or crowd-I found it funny because I thought wowzers this guy is just like me!

Eventually Adrian, as he does flirty chancer, turned to E and says “are you looking for a place to stay on Airbnb?” That was it-the beginning of something that made me feel so alive again, so accompanied and soulfully full. E lives and works in Myanmar, he was looking for a place to stay in Bangkok for a few nights on his way back home. Initially him and my brother were doing most of the talking until Adrian throws in that I lived in Ecuador! E and I got fully charged and animated about living in different places around the world. We shared and exchanged stories, he showed me photos, he asked me questions as I did him. It was comfortable and easy. We made each other laugh, he lightly touched me a few times and I did him-all very casual. He bought me a few drinks and at some point got me to put my number in his phone. All great stuff. I wanted the night to continue so asked him if he wanted to go for a drink, he said yes but his friend said “don’t do it” to him so he sat down and said he couldn’t go. I was perplexed. The situation was weird, he just sat there kinda laughing and saying he had no idea. I was determined to finish my night with a kiss so I put it blatantly “ok well I you can stay here but I was just thinking we could go somewhere and kiss a little maybe have some fun.” He joined me. The first thing he did when we walked out of the bar was put his coat around my shoulders. Ha! cute but odd, so very cute!

We walked up to Riverdale hill joking along the way. I had no plan except to hang out. When we got there he immediately kissed me-it was bliss. We sat down and continued until he stopped us and sat behind me. We talked about so many things, we joked and laughed and talked and kissed. It was perfect. He asked me to go to Myanmar and visit him, I said yes! He asked me my nick name and where I wanted to travel to next. He asked me what a person like me was doing in that bar, why I wanted to go there? Implying it was beneath me. Then he said “oh I know, you’ve got it all sorted out you’ve got a man at home that loves you.” He asked me how I preferred to travel, with someone or alone and why? and we kissed, and laughed, and talked and kissed and rolled around. He told me on numerous occasions how very very attractive and interesting he found me and that he was glad we had met. He thought I was 32 by my personality and looks. He held me and told me that I felt good, and smelt good, and was attractive and sexy and that the situation felt so right-as if he was trying to convince himself of something. I felt like he was becoming addicted to me. Then listening to me ramble on about something he began to tell me that my voice sounded like Sigourney Weaver (?) so sexy he could listen to me all night and how did I do that. No guy has been that generous with his compliments to me in a long time without having his hands all over me. I just lay between Emmett’s legs with my head on his crotch looking up at the stars. At some point we were doing summer salts down the hill! We were so deeply engaged in each others company speaking freely, openly and intimately. We held hands lying there in the grass and I said to him I’m sorry this is kind of too sweet and intimate maybe and he said “but I like it.”

It was starting to get cold so I suggested leaving. He said come back to my place but wrongly I brought him back to my tiny disaster bachelor where Gladys was sleeping. He didn’t care about the situation he just wanted to come and I wanted my place b/c I had to get ready for work in two hours. I got the impression that he didn’t know where he lived! Plus he was staying with a load of blokes.

Walking towards my place I said we’ve got to hurry to meet Gladys and started running, thankful I wore those converse. He loved it, he sprinted ahead and ran backwards in front of me egging me on-he was totally fit! When we got into the building it was totally weird but didn’t last. Then when he saw the joint I think he felt freaked lol. But we got into bed and he cuddled me and we kissed some more and fooled around  and giggled. He really wanted in my pants. “I want you I want you I want you ” he proclaimed! Many times over the night he asked “will I see you again?” and now he asked the same. As I lay with my head on his chest to my surprise he said “I felt a real connection back there, did you?” Eventually he said he had to leave. I left it up to him, he said no he would stay and rolled over to cuddle me again but at last with a cuddle, some sweet kisses on the neck and a furl n sniff in my hair he decided to go. Before he left he gave me a beautiful long lasting kiss and then handed me his phone to put my FB contact in and double checked the number in his phone was mine. He said “your amazing” and left.

Two days went by and I heard nothing. It was Sunday, Gladys had left and I wanted to see him again and here is where I went wrong. I texted him and I’m proud of my self for that but I got the whole vibe wrong and tried to hard (looking back). I truly wanted to see him again, actually I wanted to have him over in my head to continue getting to know each other instead I got insecure and tried to rope him in with sex. I truly wish I had just simply asked him if he wanted to join me for a bottle of wine I was opening here.

The text went like this (so I can look back and learn):

Ciao EG

Ciao Bella

How are you?

I’m fine. What you up to?

Wonderful so far. But here is where I panicked. How do I answer? Play coy, be cool, be upfront, be funny….all that shite instead of just asking him over.

I’m at home listening to music alone I said, trying to be come hither ish. It failed because rather than following it up with would you like to join me I wrote You?

It fizzled from there. He was at a party. I left it and about an hour later said Me myself and my naked body wish you were here. Sexy but out of context and devaluing of myself. I feel like a pilik, an egit that doesn’t know how to communicate or be with the opposite sex. Everything goes fine until I don’t hear from him and then I get confused about how to approach it rather than just staying collected and myself. He clearly liked me and enjoyed hanging out with me on Friday night. No harm in following up and going from there. I don’t need to offer myself to have his interest, it perhaps just creates disrespect and if he did like me he may be thinking different now. I feel a fool, like I messed up a good opportunity….who knows.

At 4am he wrote Hey a la typical booty call. Fair enough, I started it. The next day, still determined and wanting to see him again I stupidly decided to answer his lame text with a more forward come hither:

Sexy good times yes! At 4am no thanks Franks. On my terms if you can handle it 😉 Why don’t you come over tonight….

What a fucking stupid and probably very cryptic message. On my terms if you can handle it was meant to be cheeky and challenging but who the fuck knows if that is how it was read-I doubt it. It was probably a bad idea to even respond in the first place but again why couldn’t I just be myself? Like I would really love to see you again, why don’t you come over tonight?  Needless to say I have not heard from him. To be fair to me it was his last night in town and today he was leaving.

I guess I see the error of my ways and not to say correcting them would get the guy but realising that regardless I just need to stay true to myself and continue to come from a place of confidence, kindness and truth at least when I get rejected I wouldn’t feel so tormented!

Self respect and love above all else.

Reading this again on Sept 19 I think maybe I was a bit hard on myself!

 

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integrating two of me into one

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moving to another country is easier because you take who you are with you. but leaving that country you want to take that essence of who you have become and what you have learned and integrate it wherever you arrived to.

Kathy suggested i do an integrating ritual, take the Barcelona parts of me out of the closet and bring them into my daily life here like city cycling, going for coffee and cake, sexy fun me. the part of me that i left back in barcelona that wants to meet men on random nights out and take them home with me is conflicted with the 40 year old me that recently moved back to canada about doing that. i think i need a sexy night out and possible and one night stand just for fun!

now i just need to find out where i can go to rip all my clothes off and swim in salt water……?

new moon in aries

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crazy ass energy-i am on fire. i’ve been going since 05h30 this morning and could keep on chugging even after chasing my workout with a zumba class! this moon stuff is powerful, just last week i could hardly drag my slow ass out of bed! am going to love it while it lasts….

my intentions for this new moon go something like this:

  • get out an do a fun group activity at least three times a week
  • make an effort to socialise with new people often
  • spend at least 2-4 hours per day each week on learning about and improving my profession (doula and yoga)
  • accept people and situations (in my life) as they are and work with that
  • find another source of income an get hired!
  • get laid, get yourself a fine man

xoxoxo

Feb 22 2016

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Aquarius & Aquarius Rising

Monday’s full moon makes real the efforts that you’ve made towards collaborating with others in the past 6 months. Whatever faith in your projects that you have been able to experience will be magnified. Whatever partnerships really want to play will be brought to light. Whichever have staying power will be easily visible.

Witness them.

Monday’s full moon also makes real the fears you might have that up until now have laid dormant. Monday’s full moon brings recognition to all the progress you’ve made in dealing with the demons that haunt you.

The problem is never that we have things in our life that we fear. The problems we bump up against have to do with not quite knowing how to deal.

The secret is to feel.

Without judgement. Without pause. Without shame. Just letting ourselves acknowledge what is happening within us is enough to heal us.

Pisces copy

the leadership of love

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I went to see this talk tonight given by Annie Lalla called the leadership of love. Everything she said made sense! I love her! It was interesting to look around the audience and see people shaking their heads at certain comments, I wondered how many people in that auditorium would actually understand and apply her methods.

Bottom line, it takes work but according to her it is the best work there is. She reckons love is the best experience we can have and that it really does complete us. I was hurt by this theory because haven’t had an intimate partner in a long time but I want one and listening to Annie raised some good points to reflect on. Apparently if after working on finding love in earnest after three months you do not have it there is a fundamental block/fear stopping you from allowing it in.

I reflected on this: I’m afraid to expose to somebody else the things about myself that I find unattractive. I feel almost ashamed of them and therefor don’t accept myself fully but somehow expect someone else to! Those things are: my skin imperfections, spider veins, missing tooth, big legs. I guess I thought I loved myself but writing this I clearly don’t fully but I really want somebody else to! So here is what I feel I need to do to really love me wholly and attract a man into my life who will accept all those things about me that I wish were different:

  • wearing more fitting pants and not covering my ass with a long shirt!

Today going to yoga class in leggings and not covering my ass with a long shirt for the first time was liberating-the teacher was divine but I didn’t care. Once I started to move my body I felt pretty awesome hot!

  • go to yoga more
  • go to salsa and ecstatic dance more, in fitting clothing or short skirts
  • get back to smiling more (now that my tooth implant is underway) 🙂
  • laugh more
  • find ways everyday to pamper the parts of me I wish were different
  • start believing (again) that love and a relationship CAN happen to ME.
  • learn to accept as my rich history and tapestry the things about my physical body I wish were different.

Annie also pointed out that a relationship is the best place to see who you really are, which is why some many people avoid them!

I loved her tips on how she keeps the marriage spark alive: she finds ways to love her husbands defects, “have sex, always, even if you’re too tired-it’s always good within 5 minutes!!”

  • “a relationship is a collaboration, you should be fully involved in each others lives and supporting them always”, be a team

February 01, 2016

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This occurred this afternoon, later (coincidentally) after writing the following text I came across the article on the link:

I am working on being true to my commitments-I intend to stick to what I say I will due. Part of this new year deal with myself is to remain committed to all plans/dates/activities I put into my calendar on my phone-once it is in I am not allowed to bail without good reason.

So this morning I accepted Kathy’s dinner invite and offered to bring the wine. I was looking forward to it all day. I have only known Kathy since last week but she has kindly opened her home to me to stay for a week in exchange for something. However later in the day April, at the last minute, sent out a reminder about the Doula Session at 19h and who could join? She then texted to ask me, apparently nobody was responding or could make it.

If felt a sense of duty to both people. In the case of April (whom I work for) I felt a sense of professional duty and also a necessity to support a Doula sister however I did not want to begin my relationship with Kathy cancelling our dinner. In the end I chose to stick to my original commitment rationalising that I cannot change my life/plans at the drop of a hat every time someone needs me at the last minute-this is not a pattern I want to get into nor is it fair. I think if I am going to stick to my commitments there cannot be too much room for change because I prefer one option over the other hence to avoid this I have made a strong intention to remain committed once I have accepted or agreed to an offer.

However I was left with a quandary: did I make the right decision yesterday?

Technically I know Kathy would have understood and I could have supported a Doula sister who didn’t have anyone else’s help-she was really stranded and I was given an opportunity to prove myself and shine where I have been asking to. It was really a one time opportunity to go the distance for someone in need. I think I made a mistake! That said because I was at work until 18h yesterday I would not have arrived until after 19h30-a bit late.

Article:

http://www.mysticmamma.com/the-theme-for-february-2016-is-committed-choice/